


Better Than Fiction

by Piano



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - College/University, Librarian Cloud Strife, M/M, Undergrad Zack Fair, Wingman Kunsel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2020-01-12 11:47:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18445928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piano/pseuds/Piano
Summary: When he was in middle school, Zack had the worst crush on a blonde high schooler that he never worked up the courage to get to know better. Now in college, Zack was shocked to learn that his crush from so many years ago is working as the school's newest librarian.  Is this the second chance that Zack never thought he would have?Featuring an age-reversal where Zack is 18 and Cloud 23.





	1. Second Chance

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by @kvgua on twitter's lovely AU art of librarian cloud. Check it out!

It was halfway through the fall semester at Midgar State University and classes had gone from the initial “Syllabus Day and Watch Internet Videos” to “Okay kids now it’s time to get serious”. Zack Fair, college freshman, was still working on making that transition as he followed his two friends and basketball teammates across the quad. 

“Man, I don’t know how I got behind my Calculus worksheets already…” He folded his arms behind his neck, sighing. “We’re supposed to do like a couple problems a day but now I think I’ve got 100 I gotta do by the end of the week.”

“Probably because you kept getting distracted when we were doing them after class.” Kunsel quipped. “I told you that you were gonna get behind on them, man.”

“And that’s why we’re going to the library. You should have a better time concentrating there, Zack.” Angeal added. 

Kunsel was in the same class as Zack and they had become fast friends, helped by the fact that they shared a floor in the dorm building. Angeal was a Senior and the outgoing team captain, thus his sense of personal responsibility when it came to making sure the new recruits started off well in their academics.

“Maaaan…” Zack sighed again, earning an elbow in the arm from Kunsel. “Ow, hey!” Despite his offended expression he laughed and gave Kunsel a half-hearted shove. 

“Quit complaining already” Kunsel insisted. “You’ll be happy about it when you’re done and not doing an all-nighter to finish your homework like _last_ time.”

“I know, I know…” Zack rubbed his neck. “Let’s just get this over with.”

The three boys managed to find a table among the crowd. There was only a quiet murmur of hushed voices as groups of students discussed their studies over laptops and hunched over large books. 

Zack looked around, blinking. “Man, it’s really crowded, huh?” He commented, though immediately grimaced when his normal speaking-volume caused more than a few students to turn and give him an icy stare. “Er…sorry”. He muttered, using a much quieter tone. He turned back to the table, glaring when Kunsel greeted him with a light smirk. 

“You’ve been a library before, right? You know you gotta be quiet.” He teased.

“Yeah, I know, I know.” Zack leaned down to rummage through his backpack

“Especially in this one. I heard the head librarian here’s a real hardass, you know.” Kunsel leaned forward, obviously intent on sharing his latest intel with Zack. 

Zack had learned not to question how or when Kunsel found things out. He always seemed to be in the know, ranging from mundane facts about the best napping spots on campus to which professors were about to quit the faculty.

“Yeah?” Zack tilted his head slightly. “Some crotchety old guy or something?”

Angeal looked up from his reading. “No, it’s actually someone who just earned their certification recently after finishing their graduate studies. They just started this year.”

Zack leaned back in his chair slightly, folding his arms behind his head and let out a low whistle. “And he’s already got that bad of a reputation? Now this I’ve gotta see.”

“Take a look for yourself.” Kunsel nodded over at the central desk a few yards away. “He’s sitting right there.”

Zack turned his attention to the blonde man sitting behind the desk. It was too far away to really tell but for some reason the hair style seemed strangely familiar to Zack. He stood up and, as casually as possible, walked towards the desk with the goal of taking a nice long sip at the water fountain nearby. 

When he reached the fountain Zack leaned down, his eyes shifting over towards the man as the water reached his lips. The blonde man’s eyes met his and Zack inhaled a gulp of water in shock as a surge of emotions and thoughts came back to him in a sudden wave; the lovesickness, hope and nerves when he was 14 years old were suddenly back. He knew who that person was.

Zack doubled over, coughing for a few seconds before looking back up at the librarian, who was staring at him with a slight amount of concern but then quickly turned his attention back to the files in his hand when he saw that Zack didn’t seem like he was going to pass out on the floor. Wiping his mouth, Zack took long, quick strides back to the table with Angeal and Kunsel. He was barely was able to contain himself enough to sit down.

His friends looked at him with a mixture of curiosity and worry. “Hey what’s wrong? You look about ready to jump out of your skin” Kunsel said quietly. 

Zack leaned in, his pale face beginning to break into an almost manic grin. “You guys aren’t…holy shit…you’re not gonna believe this…” It was if electricity was coursing through Zack’s veins. “I **know** that guy.”

Angeal and Kunsel exchanged wary glances. “You do?” They echoed.

Zack nodded frantically, his butt hovering a few inches above the chair as he leaned in even further for emphasis. Angeal and Kunsel mirrored his movement. “He went to my school! I had the biggest crush on him when I was in 8th grade.” He grinned, bolts of eager energy practically sparking off his body. “He had graduated before I was able to build up any sort of courage to talk to him but…” Zack sat back down, his fists clenched in determination. “It’s fate— No, it’s destiny! This is my second chance.” He looked up at his stunned audience. “I’m gonna ask him out this time!”

His friends stared in shocked silence for a moment.

Finally, Kunsel stood up, slamming his hands on the desk. “I’m sorry but… **what**?” Kunsel’s voice was loud enough that it got the attention of everyone near him, including the librarian, who gave them an icy stare. Kunsel bowed his head sheepishly and sat down. Zack was nonplussed, too involved in planning his romantic strategies to pay attention to Kunsel’s embarrassment. Angeal had his eyes closed and was rubbing at his temples.

“Are you kidding, Zack?!” Kunsel hissed. He leaned over so that he could properly half-yell at Zack without having to raise his voice. “One: You don’t even know his name. Two: What? Three: You don’t know anything about him. Four: He’s like at least 4 or 5 years older than you!”

Zack crossed his arms and leaned back with a thoughtful expression. “He definitely is older but I’m not exactly a middle school graduate anymore, you know?” He gave Kunsel a cheeky grin. “I’ve had a few growth spurts since high school.”

Kunsel rested his forehead on the table, sighing. “Not the point I was trying to make, but okay.” He glanced up at Zack out of the corner of his eye. “You know you’re gonna get shot down hard, right? I heard this guy’s a dick to all the freshman who ask stupid questions. And I think flirting is gonna count as a stupid question.”

Zack shrugged. “I’m sure he’s not that bad.”

“And you have what to base that on?” 

“Hm…” Zack hummed thoughtfully then smiled. “I’ve just got a feeling.” He held up his index finger to emphasize his point. “Plus, if the problem stopping me is that I don’t know him, I can fix that, right? All I have to do is get to know him.”

Kunsel, at a loss for words, looked to Angeal. “Angeal help me out here.” He implored. 

Angeal looked from Kunsel back to Zack, whose puppy-like excitement hadn’t faded. “Well…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Just don’t get yourself banned from the library for life, Zack.”

“Yes!” Zack gave a little fist pump and Kunsel face-palmed, too exasperated to argue any further. 

“Lord…Fine, fine. I’ll help you out on this suicide mission.” Kunsel ran his hand through his hair. “God knows you’re gonna need it.”

Over the next two weeks, Zack focused on trying to do what he did best: Be friendly to strangers. In this case, however, there was a layer of nervousness underlying his thoughts that he wasn’t used to dealing with. He was used to making friends, it was a skill that come naturally to him his entire life. He was never inhibited by the fear that someone may not like him. After all, most people ended up liking him well enough and if they didn’t it was easy to just shrug and move on. 

But Zack really _really_ wanted this person to like him. 

It also didn’t help that his middle school crush seemed to have gotten even prettier than when Zack had first seen him. The square glasses were new but they framed the man’s face in such a way that it highlighted his long eyelashes and sky-blue eyes. 

For the first few days into his mission, Zack had seated himself relatively close (but not creepily so) to the main desk as he built up his courage. He did his best not to stare but found himself shooting glances away from his textbook every few minutes to watch and to listen to him. Each time he spoke, Zack got butterflies in his stomach at the softness of his voice, how it had an almost gentle tone that was ¬¬buried underneath cool bites of sarcasm. Zack could see how he had started to get a reputation among the students. Each time someone came up to the librarian he had an expression that clearly read “Why are you bothering me”, especially if it was the 100th student that was having problems with the library printer.

However, there was something else that Zack noticed: An air of loneliness. It was subtle but Zack started to pick up on it more into the second week of his visits. 

_He doesn’t really talk to anybody while he’s here…I mean I know he’s gotta focus on work and stuff but…Everybody wants somebody to talk to, right?_

Zack debated between just going up and striking a conversation and about half a dozen other methods that Kunsel had come up with. Before he could put those plans into motion, however, an answer ran into Zack right when he least expected it.

It was the exact wrong moment for Zack to start running down the library stacks. And it wasn’t even his fault! Kunsel was the one who had texted him saying “If you’re at the library stalking that guy can you pick me up a book I need for class tomorrow?” Of course it had taken Zack ten minutes longer to find the stupid thing than he had intended, mainly because he kept getting turned around. By the time he had finally found it, he realized he was cutting it too close to make it to his Chemistry class and in a panic had started running to get to the entrance: Right as the blonde librarian was turning a very full book cart right into Zack’s path. 

The man’s eyes widened in surprise but, too late to do anything, he could only watch helplessly as Zack slammed into the book cart at full force. The books, the cart and Zack all toppled to the floor with a loud crash and Zack landed face first on the ground.

“Ow…ow ow…” Zack groaned and pushed himself to his knees, rubbing his head as he did so. “Shit, my bad, my bad, sorry about—” His eyes widened in horror as he saw a very pissed off librarian standing above him, arms folded. “…that…”

In a whirl of energy Zack was standing up and picking up the books as fast as he possibly could. “Shit, I— Sorry I probably shouldn’t swear in the library! Sorry I-I wasn’t looking where I was going, that was totally my bad, I was just sure I was gonna be late to class and I— Well I’m definitely gonna be late **now** but still that’s not an excuse I swear! I’m still really sorry, this was definitely my bad!” Zack whirled around to face the librarian, his arms full of books and his eyes desperate and pleading. 

The librarian stared at him with an expression that read “baffled annoyance”. After a moment of tense silence he let out a sigh, closing his eyes. “…You know you’re not supposed to run in the library, right? We have signs about it and everything.”

“Sorry, sorry…! I know, that was totally against the rules, I’m sorry! ” Zack set the pile of books on the cart and immediately bent down to start picking up more. 

The librarian tilted his head slightly, watching the undergrad carefully. “And you know we have a rule about shouting in the middle of the library too.”

“Gah--!” Zack’s hand flew up to his mouth, causing him to drop the books he was just picking up. “Sorry…Sorry about that...!” He half-whispered. Realizing that the blonde was staring at the books he dropped in even further annoyance, he flailed and immediately went to pick them back up. “And sorry about that too…!”

Zack couldn’t believe himself. How he had managed to make the worst impression possible? How the hell was he supposed to salvage this!? Now he would be forever known as “The Undergrad Who Ran Into My Book Cart And Shouted In The Library” and stood even less of a chance than Kunsel had predicted: Less than zero!

But, there was also the fact that the man was talking to him. Even if this was the most disastrous introduction possible, Zack still felt a tiny glimmer of excitement and hope with that.

Zack’s panicked thoughts were interrupted as the librarian crouched down with a sigh and started picking up some of the books that Zack hadn’t gotten to yet. “…It’s fine. You should get to class.”

“Ah—What? No way, I can’t just leave you to clean up the mess I made!” Zack frowned, his earnest plea apparently taking the librarian by surprise. ¬¬"There’s gotta be a way that I can make this up to you” He tilted his head, frowning.

Once again, the librarian looked surprised at Zack’s words and seemed unsure of how to respond. After a moment he looked down and began to set the books on the cart upright. “…It’s not really anything you can do. I’d just finished organizing them, it’ll be easier to just do it all again myself then tell you how to do it.”

“Then…” Zack’s frown deepened and he folded his arms in thought. Luckily for him, it only took a few seconds to come up with something. “Then I’ll help out some other way! I can clean up stuff or put some books back where you tell me to, it doesn’t have to be hard. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it…I only have one class tomorrow so I can come here right at 10 am and help all day!” He folded his hands together in a pleading motion. “Please, let me make it up to you..!”

The librarian stared at Zack, dumbfounded, then coughed awkwardly and adjusted his glasses as he seemed to be gathering his thoughts together. “…Fine” He acquiesced. Zack’s face broke into a huge grin and the librarian looked away, embarrassed. 

“Really…!?” He pumped his fist, his mood doing a completely 180 from before. “Thank you, thank you, you won’t regret it!”

“I already told you, you can’t yell in the middle—”

“Ah right, sorry, sorry!” Practically bouncing in happiness, Zack turned on his heel and jogged a few feet away then quickly turned around. “10 am sharp, I’ll be here. Thank you…!” He turned to go again but then stopped after another few steps, pointing to himself. “Oh and I’m Zack, by the way! Zack Fair.” He grinned.

The librarian blinked, stunned. 

Zack tilted his head curiously, obviously waiting for the librarian to respond. 

The blonde stared back for a brief moment then quickly looked back at his book cart. His hands were still except for the small movement of his thumb flipping through a closed book’s pages. 

“…Cloud Strife.” He finally answered.

Zack’s eyes lit up. “Okay, see you tomorrow!” With a wave, Zack was gone before Cloud could tell him to stop shouting for a third time. 

Cloud didn’t expect to see him again. 

He had first noticed him after his embarrassing display and near-choking near the water fountain. Cloud had been caught off guard by the way he had looked at him, like he recognized him from somewhere. Cloud had briefly searched his memories, trying to recall if the spikey-haired doofus seemed familiar but he couldn’t think of a thing.

Then he noticed the same person show up at the library each day, usually later in the afternoon. Now that he wasn’t choking on water, Cloud was able to take notice of his face and body type, admire his attractive qualities from afar. Was he an undergrad? By his muscular build, Cloud guessed he was probably the jock-type, either a new recruit or already heavily involved in one of the sports clubs: The type of person that he absolutely couldn’t stand.

 _Shame…_ Cloud thought, idly tapping the table next to his keyboard. _He’s got a nice face, at least._

Much to Cloud’s shock, it was the same dark-haired teenager that had unceremoniously slammed into his newly-organized book cart, sending the evidence of his hard work sprawled over the floor.

 _So noisy…_ Cloud’s patience was already completely stretched by the pile of work that still remained at his desk and now **this**. This noisy undergrad that wouldn’t stop making a scene and apologizing like an idiot. Was he trying to make fun of him?

Cloud expected him to run off the second he got the chance but then the undergrad had looked at him with such an imploring, sincere expression that it caught Cloud off guard. He was like a kicked puppy doing his best to regain his owner’s favor and Cloud felt some of his rage and frustration cooling in the face of it.

He didn’t know why he had agreed to let him come back to “help”. No matter what the reason, the way his eyes had brightened instantly and the sweet smile that appeared on his face immediately afterward, Cloud found himself thinking _Cute_ before he could stop himself.

 _Well, it doesn’t matter anyway._ Cloud glanced to the clock on the wall and shook his head. It was 10:05 am the next day and Zack, the boy from earlier, was nowhere to be found. _I knew he was just putting on a show of an apology. But I still…_

Did he feel a little…disappointed?

No…That would be stupid.

“Sorry I’m late!”

Cloud’s eyes snapped up to see Zack doubled over in front of him, panting. He had an apologetic grin on his face, his hair wild from running through the windy day. Cloud stared at him, too shocked to respond. It was started to become a pattern, him being complete taken aback by the other’s actions. 

“…You’re here.” Was all Cloud could manage.

“Of course! I would’ve been here ten minutes ago but somebody in class asked a question like a **minute** before we were supposed to leave and then the professor went on a huge tangent about a whole bunch of stuff, you know how it is. Anyway!” Zack pointed a thumb at himself. “I’m here to help anyway I can” He smiled. “Zack Fair at your service!”

Cloud had a feeling it was going to be a long day. 

 

 

¬


	2. Familiarity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zack reflects on a chance meeting. In the present, he's more of a handful than Cloud had expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you soooo much for all the lovely comments. I've probably read them all at least 15 times as I wrote this chapter ;_;

Zack remembered that day. It was four years ago but it might as well have happened last week with how clear the memory stuck in his mind. He was 14 and it was the spring of his final year in middle school, with him starting basketball practice full of hopes of stardom to come on the high school team. The middle and high school buildings shared a campus so, while the middle school gym was undergoing renovations, Zack’s team found themselves practicing in the much larger high school gym.

Zack hadn’t meant to get lost. It was supposed to have been a quick trip to grab some band-aids from the nurse’s office but in the maze of lockers and hallways he ended up completely losing sight of where he had come from. 

“Man…why the heck is this place so big?! I swear I just came down here! Am I just going in a big circle?!” Zack groaned, rubbing his hair in frustration. “Maybe this way…?!” In desperation he pushed open another door closest to him and, to his disbelief, found himself in the school courtyard. “No way, no way, this isn’t it either!” Zack doubled over, sighing in frustration. “I’m in so much trouble, coach is gonna kill me at this rate…”

“Hey.” A soft voice called out to him.

Zack lifted his head and inhaled sharply at the sight. A boy with blonde spikes of hair, obviously older than him, was sitting at a nearby table, book in hand. As Zack stared, a wind blew the fresh blossoms of spring through the air, scattering them around the two of them. As the blonde reached up to brush a stray petal from his hair, Zack knew that this was the prettiest person he had ever seen. 

The blonde paused, looking at Zack curiously. “Are you lost?” He asked. 

What a voice! So low and soft that Zack almost had to strain to hear it but just as pretty as the rest of him. The blonde quirked an eyebrow when Zack stood there, mouth agape like an idiot instead of responding. “You’re…from the middle school basketball team, right? The gym really isn’t near here.”

The portion of Zack’s brain that wasn’t admiring the boy finally snapped into focus and he stood up straight, flailing as he tried to collect his words “I-…Lost! That’s right, I’m--- I’m lost and on the basketball team! How did you know!?”

The smallest of smiles appeared on the blonde’s lips as he closed his book but it was gone so quickly that Zack thought maybe he had imagined it. “I’d say your uniform is a pretty big giveaway.” 

Zack balked, staring down at his obvious basketball jersey then laughed nervously, rubbing his neck. “Oh yeah! Hahaha…Guess that’s obvious, huh?”

The blonde shook his head. “Come on, I’ll show you how to get back.” Without another word he started walking back towards the door. He stopped after a moment, realizing that Zack was standing and staring at him. “You coming?” He asked with a backward glance. 

“A-Ah! Yeah! I’m coming, wait up!” Zack ran after him, falling into step next to the blonde after he started walking again. Zack tried his best to not be too obvious about staring up at him, about how he was admiring his features as they walked. He was immediately noticed after about ten seconds. 

“What?”

Zack flailed, nearly careening backwards as he did. “I just! Was wondering!” He grasped for sentences, for thoughts that didn’t make him sound like a gibbering idiot. When did talking suddenly become so damn hard? “What…you were…doing staying around after school?” Zack tilted his head slightly, smiling. “Are you on a sports team too?”

The blonde snorted. “I think the answer to that is pretty obvious.”

Zack blinked innocently.

“…Or maybe not.” The blonde shook his head. “I was just finishing this.” He said, holding up the book in his hand for emphasis.

“Ooooh…” Zack folded his hands behind his neck as they continued walking. “You like reading?” He asked with genuine curiosity.

He paused, looking hesitant. “You could say that.” Before Zack could pry further blonde stopped. “We’re here.” He gestured to the gym doors. Zack could hear the rest of the team starting practice inside but felt stuck to the same ground his heart was sinking into. He didn’t want to go in, even though he had been so desperate to get back just a few minutes ago.

“You’d better head in if you don’t want to get in anymore trouble” The blonde nodded towards the door then turned and started walking away. 

“Ah! W-Wait, I—…!” Zack stopped, his hand outstretched. He had to ask what his name was or what else he was interested in or anything, anything at all! “I—…” He stammered as his brain ground to a halt while the other looking back at him with curiosity. “…Thank you!” Was all he could get out.

The blonde’s eyes widened in surprise. Then, the tiny smile reappeared. This time it was there long enough for Zack to truly enjoy it. “Don’t worry about it.”

Even after he had left, Zack stood there for what felt like an hour before finally running back in to the gym. Even though he had to do 20 minutes of extra laps and push-ups for being so late it was still one of the happiest memories from Zack’s middle school days. 

From then until the end of the school year, Zack made a habit of getting to practice early so that he had time to wander around the high school building, searching for even the smallest of glimpses of the high schooler. He saw him a quite a few more times after that but, despite giving himself multiple pep talks, he was never able to build up the courage to actually go over and talk to him. He wasn’t used to the paralyzing wave of shyness that would hit him whenever he would see the blonde sitting outside or in the library, reading for pleasure or sometimes even doing homework. He had never felt this way before, even around people who he had dated or had confessed to him and he just didn’t know how to deal with it

So Zack could only watch from afar, admiring the other’s air of gentle loneliness. He so badly wanted to get to know him better, to at least be friends and (if he was lucky) even more! Finally, he steeled his heart and spent the whole summer internally building up the courage he needed. After all, now he would he in high school too and would have even more chances to try and talk to him. Unfortunately, by then it was too late. He never saw him again. Zack realized that he must have graduated and buried his disappointed hopes deep in his heart. 

Until now, at least.

“All right, I think this is the last one!” Zack said cheerily, setting down the box of books next to the other ones behind Cloud’s desk. 

Cloud looked from Zack to the boxes, slightly surprised. “That was fast.” He remarked. 

“Of course!” Zack grinned, gesturing at himself with his thumb. “All that summer and spring training comes in handy, you know? I’m just getting warmed up!”

Cloud shook his head with a sigh “You really, really don’t have to yell in here, you know.”

“Ah! Sorry…” Zack rubbed the back of his neck with a sheepish grin. “That’s kinda my natural volume. But I’ll work on keeping it down in here.”

“…I’m sure.” Cloud responded, obviously not sure at all. “Anyway, that was all the new books that the classics department ordered.” He brushed some stray hairs from his face. Briefly, Zack wished that he could touch Cloud’s hair. Its’ soft spikes were just asking to be ruffled. “I needed to start organizing them a few days ago but I ended up not having time to move them and—”Suddenly, Cloud stopped himself and glanced away. 

It was strange. For some reason, despite his initial hesitation and annoyance, Cloud found himself talking much more than was necessary. Especially to someone who he didn’t know. He had no idea but talking to Zack just seemed…easy.

“Well, I can do that…I think.” Zack added cheerfully. “¬Just tell me how and I’ll help”

Cloud stared for a moment. He still didn’t understand it. Could anyone really be this sincere? What was the catch?

He took the opportunity to shuffle his papers around, giving himself a break from looking at the overwhelming openness of the other’s expression. “Here…I have a list.” Cloud turned back to Zack, handing him a paper. “Just put them together in that order and then put them on the cart.”

“Got it!” Zack gave a little salute then enthusiastically sat down the ground cross-legged, studying the list with intent.

Cloud found himself staring at Zack just a few seconds longer than he needed to and, embarrassed at himself, quickly turned back to the computer to go through his unchecked e-mails. After a few minutes of calm silence, Cloud sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

Zack’s attention was immediately honed back in on Cloud. For a brief moment, Cloud imagined puppy ears on him, standing up in attention. “What’s up?”

Cloud’s first instinct was to say ‘Nothing’ and move on but, to his surprise, those weren’t the words that came out of his mouth. “Just…another ‘reminder’ e-mail from one of the math professors to let me know what the course list is for next year.” Cloud sighed, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. “I guess she assumes I don’t have anything else to do besides order books for their classes.”

“Oh, I know her…She’s kind of a stick in the mud, huh?” Zack tapped his head. “Sometimes she’ll actually teach my class instead of having the TA do it and she’s always complaining about how it’s ‘Completely ridiculous’ that undergrads only have to take 2 semester credits of math a year.” Zack put his hands on his hips and held his chin upward, doing a near-perfect imitation, complete with a badly high-pitched voice. “And why exactly do we even **have** an arts department? If you guys spent less time doodling and more time in basic mathematics you could at least contribute **some** thing to society!”

Cloud doubled over, exhaling quickly in a sound that Zack swore was akin to choking back a laugh. Before Zack could comment on it Cloud hurriedly looked back at his computer, hand covering his mouth. “…Basically.” He murmured.

Zack folded his arms, letting out a soft hum. “Yeah, now that I think about it, it must be pretty rough on you having to deal with all the professors demanding stuff all at the same time, huh? At least I only have to deal with them one at a time.” Zack stood up and started moving a few of the books on the cart, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. 

_So energetic…_ Cloud thought. He wondered if Zack ever sat still for more than a moment or if he kept that bounciness even when sitting in the lecture hall.

“I guess…It’s still better than class, at least” Cloud responded lamely.

“Oh yeah, that’s right!” Zack suddenly interjected, causing Cloud to jump slightly. “Angeal said that you just graduated, right? Did you really just get out of grad school?”

Cloud didn’t have any idea who this ‘Angeal’ person was but by the time he put his thoughts together enough to start to ask, Zack was already finishing his question. “…I did.” He said with a nod.

Zack placed his hands on his hips as he leaned back, his eyes shining in admiration. “Wow…Impressive! Seriously impressive!” He tilted in Cloud’s direction. “And you already got a job as head librarian here? That’s amazing!”

Cloud searched Zack’s face for any hint of sarcasm, for the sign that the undergrad was going to say something snide to make fun of him in the next sentence. However, his findings went against all of his instincts and what he knew about interacting with others: There wasn’t a hint of malice or mockery in Zack’s eyes or his voice. 

Was he really being…serious?

Cloud, suddenly overwhelmed by the honesty of the compliment, found himself looking anywhere but Zack’s face. “…Are you almost done with those books?”

“Yup! Just a few more…” Zack turned his attention back to his task which gave Cloud a few seconds to try and collect himself. He was more or less successful by the time Zack turned around again. “Okay, all done!” He declared. “What’s next?”

“They need to be shelved— Wait.” Cloud nearly reached over to grab Zack, who looked about to zip out from behind the desk with the cart. “ **I’ll** do it, Fair.”

“Oh yeah…Guess I don’t really know where these actually go, huh.” Zack grinned sheepishly, rubbing his neck. Cloud sighed and took the cart from Zack then began to carefully wheel it towards the stacks with Zack dutifully following along. Cloud wanted to say that he hadn’t told him he needed to follow him like a lost puppy but, after a moment, concluded that he didn’t really see the harm of it either.

“You know…” Zack started, his mouth curving downward in a slight pout. “You don’t have to call me by my last name. Only my coach really does that and even then it sounds kinda weird half the time…”

“Hm…” Cloud leaned down to grab two of the books, glancing at Zack out of the corner of his eye. “Is that so?”

“Yeah!” He nodded enthusiastically. “You’re not my professor or anything, right? Plus, hell, some professors even ask us to call them by their first name anyway! So…” Zack leaned towards Cloud again, causing the other to lean back slightly on reflex. By his expression, Cloud didn’t think that Zack was getting into his personal space to put him on edge on **purpose** but it didn’t erase the fact that that’s what he was doing. “You can call me Zack.” He tilted his head with a smile. “Okay?”

Cloud blinked in shock then quickly looked away and began shelving the books with renewed vigor, embarrassed at the sudden heat that was rising up his neck and to his face. What was with this undergrad, anyway?

_I’ve felt off kilter all day with him around…_

After a moment, he acquiesced. “…Sure. Fine.” He paused, venturing a half-glance at the other. “…Zack.”

Zack smiled so brightly in that moment that Cloud could have sworn that he had made the other’s entire day, as stupid as that was. He felt his heart clench ever so slightly, despite himself.

“Great!” Zack moved around to Cloud’s other side, possibly to try and get the blonde to make full eye contact. “So that means I can call you Cloud, right?”

Cloud sputtered, nearly dropping the book that was in his hand, with Zack reaching over on reflex to catch it just in case. “I—…” Cloud felt his mind grinding to a halt. Could he give a legitimate reason for Zack not to call him by his first name? On the one hand, it lent itself to a since of familiarity that Cloud definitely did **not** have with this loud, bouncing undergrad that kept invading his personal space. Was there something in the employee guidelines about this? Even if there was, there was no way Cloud had paid attention to it, since he had never suspected that something like this would ever come up, not in a thousand years. 

They couldn’t fire him for this, could they?

Well, the answer was simple enough. Cloud could just tell him “no” and that could be the end of it.

_No way. It’s not like we’re friends._

“…All right.”

_What!? Why did I just—!?_

The other’s smile brightened again and, now that he was looking closely, Cloud noticed how Zack’s blue eyes practically shined in happiness when he smiled. Cloud had already noticed that he was relatively handsome from far away but, for some reason, the smile seemed to enhance his features even more.

Cloud quickly turned away, moving to stand on his tip toes to reach the top shelf. He let out a frustrated grunt, realizing he had left the stool back at his desk and that he was practically flailing to get the book to its proper place.

Zack really was throwing off his whole routine…

“Whoop, watch yourself there!” Cloud let out a small gasp as he felt Zack’s chest against his back, warm and steady, as he reached to push the book up with ease. “There we go.” Zack stepped back, his innocent smile oblivious to Cloud’s sudden spike in blood pressure. “Heh, being tall can really come in handy sometimes.” He rubbed his nose with a grin. “So what’s next?”

Before Cloud knew it, he was done with the work he had set out to do for the day. The day had felt much shorter than Cloud was used to, though he didn’t think it was just because of the extra set of hands.

“Well, if you’re done, then I guess I’ll head off too…” Zack stretched his arms above of his head. “I hope I was at least kinda helpful!”

Cloud glanced to the side then gave a slight nod. “Yeah…” He paused. “You didn’t have to stay this long, you know.” That wasn’t what he was trying to say. Why couldn’t he just…

“It’s no problem! I already said I’d help the rest of the day, right?” He put his arms down, resting his hands behind his head. “So that’s what I wanted to do.”

Cloud let one, then two seconds pass by in awkward silence before finally speaking, his voice just a touch softer than before. “Well…You did end up helping. Even though it didn’t seem like it at first.” Cloud’s glance shifted up, finally meeting the other’s eyes. 

“Thanks F-” He stopped himself.

He hesitated.

“Thanks…Zack.”

Zack beamed in response, his entire being exuding happiness. And for some reason, Cloud felt like smiling too.


	3. Sincerity

Cloud tapped his pen against his desk as he glanced around the library floor. It was Saturday, the day after Zack had spent so much time helping him, so Cloud wasn’t sure why he was looking around, expecting to see Zack in the corner of his eye. He seemed sociable enough that Cloud guessed he would rather be somewhere hanging out with his friends during the weekend. He was a jock, after all, so he was probably spending time outside in the cool fall air before the weather took a bitter turn. 

Cloud knew this and yet…

_This is stupid._ Cloud let out a huff of frustration and spun his chair towards the computer, staring at his list of to-do’s and unanswered e-mails. He scrolled through his inbox, unable to concentrate and mentally scolding himself as flickers of a cheerful smile kept flashing through his mind. 

Cloud had been partially correct, at least. Zack was spending his day off outside hanging out with friends but instead of playing ultimate frisbee or any of the other activities Cloud had imagined, he was frantically pacing in front of Kunsel and Angeal. The two of them were sitting at a table in the quad while Zack seemed incapable sitting still at all. Angeal was paying partial attention, though was becoming more and more engrossed in the book he was reading as Kunsel’s eyes were moving back and forth with Zack’s movements. 

“What are you getting so worked up about, bud? To be honest, you did a hell of a lot better than I thought you were going to. I mean, I was half-expecting you to come crying back to the dorm after 10 minutes.” Kunsel offered, waving his hand for emphasis. 

Angeal pried himself out of his book to raise an eyebrow at Kunsel. “I feel like you’re underestimating his stubbornness”

“Yeah, it definitely went well, for sure, for sure…” Zack mumbled, his arms folded in thought as he continued to pace. “But I gotta talk to him again and it’s not like I can run into his cart on purpose so that we can spend more time together!”

“Yeah I feel like that’d be a bad look” Kunsel nodded wisely.

Zack stopped pacing and rubbed his hair frantically. “Damn it, he’s so cute…And pretty! His voice and his eyes and his hair and his… **everything**! I didn’t think I could like him even more than before but when he called me ‘Zack’ instead of ‘Fair’ I seriously **seriously** thought I was gonna die…!” Zack punched both fists in the air for emphasis then flopped down on the ground, staring up at Kunsel and Angeal helplessly. “I really gotta get him to like me…” He moaned.

“All right, all right, I get it.” Kunsel shook his head. “Jeeze, you’re one lovesick puppy, aren’t you?” Kunsel leaned down towards Zack. “Okay, how about this. Just go and ask him where to find a book for class. That’s as good as anything when it comes to a conversation starter, right? Plus, it’s his job, so he’ll have to help.”

Zack frowned. “All my classes are just basic freshman stuff though.”

Angeal tilted his head slightly, watching him. “Well, you **are** a freshman, Zack.”

“Yeah, but…!” Zack started, flailing his arms as best he could from his position on the grass. “I gotta be more…impressive! More like…mature, you know?!”

Kunsel snorted but then stopped himself when he saw Zack pouting up at him. “…You’re serious.” Zack nodded enthusiastically in response and Kunsel sent him a withering look, sighing. “Okay, okay…Don’t look so damn disheartened.” Kunsel reached a hand down towards him.

“I’ve got an idea.”

That following Monday, both Kunsel and Angeal had positioned themselves at a table within listening and watching distance of the librarian’s desk. Trying not to be obvious, they had both brought schoolwork with them but were both watching the desk carefully as they pulled papers and folders from their bag. 

“I’m gonna be honest, I still don’t know why Zack is trying so damn hard…” Kunsel murmured, watching as Cloud came back to his desk with a slightly annoyed expression. “If I had to think of someone that was a total opposite of him, that librarian definitely comes to mind. I don’t think anyone’s seen him smile or give somebody the time of day without looking pissed off.”

“Well…Zack does have the tendency to see the best in people.” Angeal remarked with an air of thoughtfulness. “I’m sure there’s something he sees that we don’t.”

“Mm…Maybe.” Kunsel hummed, obviously not agreeing at all. Before he could elaborate, they both spotted Zack coming into the library’s front doors, his quick steps giving away his evident nervousness. “There’s our guy…Damn, you think he’ll be okay?”

Angeal looked down at his notes, doing a much better job of being discrete. “Let’s wait and see.”

Kunsel went quiet and strained slightly to be able to hear Zack as he went up to Cloud. Luckily his loud voice was able to carry to them with perfect clarity. 

“Hey, Cloud!” He said cheerfully, raising his hand in greeting, his nerves now hidden behind a bright smile. 

Cloud looked up, blinking in surprise at freshman’s sudden appearance. “Zack…hi.” 

Zack’s smile brightened at Cloud’s response which seemed to confuse the blonde even more, especially when he didn’t respond. After a few awkward seconds, Cloud fixed him with an exasperated stare. “Do you…need something?”

“Huh? Oh…Yeah! Yeah, I do, actually!” Zack coughed. “Yeah, there’s actually a book I need…for class.” He added, getting increasingly fidgety under Cloud’s stare. “Can you help me find it?”

“…What class?” Cloud asked, leaning back slightly as he started to type at his computer.

“Um…it’s uh…” Zack glanced down at back of his right hand, where Kunsel had written down the name of a more ‘mature’ sounding class. Unfortunately, the mixture of his nerves and fidgeting had caused the name to become so smeared it was practically illegible. “Quantun…physicals?”

Cloud stopped typing and fixed Zack with the most incredulous expression he had ever seen. 

“…Quantun physicals.” Cloud repeated. 

“…Yeah.” Zack replied innocently, though was starting to get the feeling that he had said something incredibly stupid based on Cloud’s response.

Kunsel, meanwhile, was desperately trying to sink from his chair into the floor, writhing in second hand embarrassment. “Oh God, this fucking dumbass, I even wrote it on his hand so he wouldn’t screw it up.” He moaned, putting his head in his hands. “I can’t look. Tell me when it’s over.”

“Hm…” Angeal rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “I wouldn’t count him out yet. Look, Kunsel.” He gently elbowed Kunsel’s arm, causing the other to hesitantly look up. “I’d say it’s going better than either of us would have thought.”

To Kunsel’s shock, Cloud wasn’t bitching Zack out or completely ignoring him out of annoyance. Just the opposite, in fact.

Cloud let out a small snort of laughter, immediately moving his hand to aid in hiding the twitching of his lips. After he took a breath to steady himself he looked up at Zack, amusement sparkling in his eyes despite his lack of an obvious smile.

“Okay, Zack. Why don’t you tell me what classes you’re **actually** in?”

Zack laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his head. “It was that obvious, huh?”

“Yeah…yeah it was.” Cloud moved his hand away, one corner of his mouth still turned upwards in a barely-restrained smirk.

“…Well I’ll be damned.” Kunsel marveled. “Out of all the ways I saw this going, this wasn’t it.”

“Like I said.” Angeal turned his attention back to his notes with a light smile as Zack continued chatting with Cloud, who was leaning his chin on his hand as he stared up at the freshman in amusement. “Don’t underestimate his stubbornness.

***  
Over the next two weeks, Zack made it a habit to stop by the library in between or after classes. He had figured out when Cloud was working through trial and error so was able to catch him on practically every day he was working there. Cloud, despite doing his best not to get used to it, began to fall into the routine of expecting Zack to pop by his desk or find him somewhere in the stacks. Cloud still couldn’t figure out why this underclassman felt the need to talk to him every day but, if he was being honest with himself, he didn’t really mind it either.

Plus, it wasn’t like he was really distracting him from work. Even during the times when Cloud would cut their conversations short and tell Zack he had to concentrate on something, Zack would obediently sit at the table nearest Cloud’s desk and work on a project until Cloud appeared less busy. 

_Just like a puppy_ Cloud thought, glancing over at Zack who was scribbling something down on a sheet of paper, tongue poked out in concentration. After a moment Zack seemed to notice that Cloud was looking at him and gave him a cheery grin and waved. Cloud felt a heat crawl up his neck and to his ears and quickly looked back at his computer. He sighed in frustration, having completely lost track of what he had been doing a few seconds ago. 

_What am I doing…_

***

“Hey, Cloud…” Zack was sitting backwards on a chair that he had scooted closer to Cloud’s desk. At first Cloud had tried to tell Zack not to move chairs around but he had given up after his third attempt at scolding. Zack always put them back where they supposed to be once he was done, so in the end it wasn’t that big of a deal. 

“Hm?” Cloud looked up from the pile of books that he was reorganizing.

“I’ve been wondering something for a little while.” He tilted his head slightly and Cloud wondered if he was trying to make himself look so cute on purpose. “Why’d you want to become a librarian in the first place?” 

Cloud stared, completely unsure of how to respond. He wasn’t expecting to be asked such a personal question, much less from someone he had known for only a month. “Why?” He echoed.

Zack nodded, scooting his chair a little closer in interest. “Yeah. I mean, you obviously like it but it definitely seems like a lot of work.”

Cloud looked down at the book in his hand, turning it over a few times to give himself something to look at besides Zack’s curious expression. “I guess…” He started. Why was he even answering this question? Why was Zack asking it in the first place?

“I just…really like books.” Cloud was pretty sure he couldn’t have responded any more lamely. He hesitantly cast a glance over at Zack, who he was expecting to burst out into laughter at any moment. Much to his surprise, Zack was still looking at him with that curious expression, all his attention focused on him.

“You like them that much, huh?” He asked thoughtfully as he leaned back slightly.

Despite himself, Cloud continued. “Yeah.” He replied softly. “When you read, even for just a moment, you’re transported to that world. For that moment, the people around you and place you actually are doesn’t matter.” Cloud’s grip on the book in his hand tightened slightly before he opened to the first page. “Like this one. It’s about three brothers who have all been raised apart but now they have to go back to their hometown for their own reasons and end up reuniting. All three of them are different but are still relatable…you can come to understand them as you go through it—” He glanced over at Zack who was watching him with rapt attention. 

Suddenly, Cloud stopped, a wave of embarrassment crashing into him. He quickly shut the book, hastily shoving it in with the rest of the pile as he started to try and act as busy as possible. “…Never mind. Sorry, I started rambling about things.” He murmured.

“Huh? What are you sorry for?” Zack stood up and walked over to the desk, leaning on it so that he could talk to Cloud more easily. “It’s something you’re really passionate about, right? I can tell!” He smiled, eyes softening before he gave a slightly embarrassed grin. “I mean, I don’t really get it, since a lot of the books we got assigned to read in high school kinda bored me…but! That was probably cuz they were about things I didn’t really find too interesting.” 

Zack folded his hands behind his head. “But just because it’s not my thing doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear you talk about it. The books you like, the reasons you like them…” Zack continued, staring up at the ceiling thoughtfully. “You can talk to me about them anytime!” He nodded firmly. “I think it’s interesting to hear you talk about it.”

After Zack finished he looked back at Cloud with smile that was so bright and sincere that Cloud felt himself drawn to it as much as he wanted to look away out of sheer embarrassment. He felt his heart speeding up and he couldn’t tell if it was because of Zack’s proclamation or the soft cheeriness of his eyes. 

Cloud had never experienced this before. He had fully expected Zack to laugh or look completely disinterested or even just walk away from him in sheer boredom…but this? He had accepted that Zack was a friendly and harmless enough but the fact that he was so interested in his thoughts and hobbies, even though it didn’t have anything to do with him…

His heart clenched reflexively. 

“Well…” Cloud coughed, trying to cover up the slight quiver in his voice. “Maybe I’ll be able to find something.”

Zack tilted his head curiously. “Something?” He echoed.

Cloud nodded, distinctly looking anywhere but Zack’s face. “A book that you might like.”

“Really!?” Cloud jumped slightly at Zack’s sudden spike in volume, nearly dropping a stack of books in the process. Sighing in annoyance he looked back at Zack, fully intent on reprimanding him for his volume but then stopped, his irritation fading in the light of Zack’s beaming face.

“You’d really do that for me?” He repeated, looking ready to combust from excitement. 

Cloud leaned back reflexively then stood up from his desk, moving a few feet from Zack to shuffle through his papers. “It’s not that big of a deal. It’s not like it would be hard to find something…I work in a library, after all.”

“Yeah, but still!” Zack followed after Cloud, much to his chagrin. “You’re still taking time, right?” He grinned, thumbing at his nose. “Either way, I’ll be looking forward to it!”

Despite his embarrassment raging to an almost unbearable degree, Cloud glanced over at Zack, taking the time to take in his enthusiastic smile. “…Yeah…Don’t get mad if you get bored, though.”

“I won’t, I promise!” Zack beamed and Cloud felt his chest tighten in response.

Much to Cloud’s frustration, he wasn’t able to focus on finding Zack a book he would like (a task that he was devoting more thought to than he had expected) in the following weeks. It was November now, which meant that final projects and exams were just around the corner and the influx of students reflected the sudden frantic desperation to cram as much information into their heads as possible before it was too late. 

Cloud felt like he was being run ragged by all the requests and students distinctly _not_ putting books back where they were supposed to go, which meant re shelving and organizing took about three times longer than it needed to. It was on one of those days, with Cloud’s nerves stretched to their breaking point that Zack found him in the stacks, hunched over and looking so pissed off that all the students had been giving him a wider birth than usual. 

“Hey, Cloud.” Zack, apparently oblivious to Cloud’s negative aura, walked over.

“Zack—” Cloud stopped himself, forcing most of the irritation out of his voice. “Sorry…I’m kind of busy right now. I can’t really talk today. Or…this week. Or semester, probably.” He added bitterly.

“Yeah, I thought you looked kinda…run down.” Instead of leaving, Zack crouched down next to him. “What’s up? Did something happen?” He asked curiously.

Cloud let out a long sigh. “You probably don’t want to hear about it.”

“I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.” He insisted with a teasing grin. Cloud couldn’t argue with that logic.

“…The student who’s been here for work-study called out today, something about a project being due tomorrow at 8 am…” Cloud shoved one of the books back into the stacks a bit more forcefully than was necessary. “So that means I’m here by myself with four times as much work as usual because of the end of the year chaos.” Cloud rubbed his forehead, feeling an encroaching migraine. “Every time I think about everything about everything I’m behind on right now—”

“Then…” Zack suddenly stood up, his eyes glittering in determination. “I’ll help!”

Cloud nearly fell over in shock. “…What?”

“I can do whatever that guy who left you high and dry did! Or put stuff away or…anything, really.” Zack rubbed the back of his neck, grinning sheepishly. “I promise I won’t do anything that’ll make anything worse so…let me help? I still remember some of the stuff you showed me last time I was here.”

“I..” Cloud truly couldn’t think of a way to respond. He felt his pride being wounded as he considered how nice it would be to at least have some of stress taken shoulders, even for just a day. Then again, he didn’t want to feel like he owed Zack anything. Wouldn’t he just hold this over his head later? But most of all he didn’t want to feel like he _needed_ to ask for help. He was supposed to be proving that he was the right person for this job, after all, despite the fact that he just got his certification.

But then again…

“So, what do you say?” Zack gave him a lopsided grin. “Wanna put me to work?”

“…All right.” Cloud hesitated. “It’d help if you just manned the desk for a little bit and checked people out. Just…don’t take on too much or touch the computers. Okay?”

“Roger!” Zack gave a little salute then spun on his heel and jogged out of the stacks and out of sight.

Cloud was immediately anxious, concerned that he had just made a horrible mistake that was going to wind up with him fired at the end of the day. He immediately moved within eyeshot of Zack so that he could keep an eye on him while he did other things, in case he needed to stop him before he broke something.

To his surprise, that wasn’t necessary. 

Zack either knew his limits well enough or had actually paid enough attention when he saw Cloud doing his job that he was able to watch the desk with ease, answering students’ questions, taking in returned books and even showing frantic students where to find books or journal articles for class. There were a few times where a classmate or friend would recognize Zack and would start up conversation which, of course Zack couldn’t resist, but kept it short enough that it didn’t distract him for too long. 

Zack didn’t even try and talk to Cloud the entire day, which shocked Cloud even more. 

_Maybe he’s trying not to distract me? So that I can get my work done in peace?_ Cloud wondered, watching as Zack handed a book over to a female student with a cheerful ‘Here you go!’

Despite his intention to get as much done as possible, Cloud found himself staring at Zack throughout the day. He told himself that it was to make sure Zack didn’t mess anything up but, as the day went on, he knew that was only partially true (at best).

He just wanted to watch him.

Before Cloud knew it, his shift had ended. He didn’t want Zack to stay even longer than him, so he went back into the stacks to find him. Zack was crouched down, carefully shifting some of the books back into their proper places. “Zack.” Cloud called out to him, softly.

“Gah—!” Zack fell backwards onto his butt, obviously taken by surprise by Cloud’s sudden appearance. 

Cloud had to work hard to prevent a laugh from slipping out and offered him a hand up instead. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to sneak up on you.”

Zack blinked in disbelief then gave him a sheepish grin as he took his hand. “No worries, I guess I just got too into the zone.” He dusted off his pants after Cloud helped him to his feet. “So? Did you end up getting your work done okay?”

“…Yeah.” Cloud nodded, feeling a sense of shame creeping in. “I…” He glanced away. “Sorry, you ended up staying through my whole shift. You helped a lot, but…I feel like I took advantage.” Cloud sighed lightly. “I’ll make sure you get paid for—”

“Hey, don’t get like that! I was happy to help.” Zack smiled and Cloud felt himself being more and more taken in by it. “So don’t sweat it, okay?”

_He says that so easily…_

“To be honest, I wasn’t expecting you to be so helpful when I said yes…” Cloud contemplated. “You were actually more helpful than the person who actually works here. I’m half-tempted to have you actually work here, honestly.” Cloud had intended it to be joke but as the words escaped his lips, they ended up revealing the sincerity in that wish. 

_If he worked here I’d be able to see him more often._

Cloud immediately crushed the thought, burying it before he could truly take note of its’ implications. 

Zack frowned and Cloud recoiled in embarrassment. “Never mind, I was just—”

“No, don’t be sorry! I really…I would, honestly…” Zack rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s just that we’re not allowed to take part time jobs when we’re on the team…” He gave a shy grin. “Rules are rules, you know? They gotta make sure we have time to do at least some school work during the week.”

“…Right.” Cloud replied, keeping the disappointment out of his voice and expression.

Suddenly, Zack was starting to look embarrassed. “But, you know…”

Cloud tilted his head ever so slightly. “Hm?”

“We could see each other without me being in class and you being at work.” Zack’s normal bouncy demeanor was becoming more agitated and nervous. Cloud felt himself getting anxious as well, though he couldn’t understand why. 

“Outside of work?” Cloud questioned.

“Yeah! You know, like let’s go grab dinner or something once you’re all done for the day.” Zack glanced away then, slowly, looked back at Cloud with a shy smile. “What do you say?”

Cloud felt his brain short circuiting. He couldn’t be asking him on a…

No, that was impossible. 

“…Sure.” Cloud answered slowly.

All of the shyness and anxiety immediately melted from Zack’s features and was replaced by a hyper-excitable joyous energy. “Really!? I mean—” He lowered his voice before Cloud could scold him. “Great! Uh, here! Let me get you my number!” 

Phones and numbers were exchanged before Cloud could have any second thoughts, though Cloud wasn’t sure why Zack kept staring at his phone, staring at Cloud’s number like he had just won the lottery.

“I should be done soon if you want to go now.” Cloud pocketed his phone casually, though internally he was feeling his nerves standing on end. 

“Okay! I’ll meet you in the quad in like an hour…Bye! See you soon! It’s a da- I mean! See you…later!” Zack laughed a little too loudly after his slip up and started jogging away, only to slam into a stack of books. Cloud winced slightly at the sound.

“I’m okay…I’m okay! See you!” Zack chattered and with a quick wave, he was gone, leaving Cloud alone with the sudden nervous pit in his stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can anyone guess what book Cloud was talking about?


	4. Date(s)?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The answer from last chapter was: The Brothers Karamazov! If you guessed loveless, that's fair, considering it's a FF7 fic :)
> 
> Thank you everyone for your patience, this chapter is on the long side so it took a bit to get through.

**To: Kunsel  
From: Zack  
OMG I did it we’re going on a DATE!!!**

**To: Zack  
From: Kunsel  
…Does he know it’s a date**

**To: Kunsel  
From: Zack  
…uh…not really. Probably doesn’t count huh.**

“Zack?”

Zack flailed, nearly dropping his phone on the ground. “Ah— Gah!” He reached out and caught it at the last second, letting out a small sigh of relief as he did. “Phew…” Zack blinked up at the figure in front of him, feeling his cheeks flush with embarrassment as Cloud looked down at him with a slightly amused expression. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” He wasn’t smiling but Zack had the feeling that the other man was laughing internally.

“Don’t worry, don’t worry, I just was distracted!” Zack rubbed the back of his neck as he stood up, taking the time to appreciate Cloud’s slightly less formal outfit as he did. He was wearing a denim jacket and plaid scarf (that made him look absolutely adorable, in Zack’s opinion) but was still sticking his hands in his pockets for warmth. For a brief second Zack fantasized about holding Cloud’s hands in his to keep them warm. 

“So…did you have somewhere you wanted to go?” Zack noticed that Cloud wasn’t looking directly at him, instead choosing to look just past his shoulder or at the ground and was shifting awkwardly. 

Zack felt a buzz from his phone and glanced down quickly to read Kunsel’s most recent message.

**Well I guess this is an okay first step. Just don’t move too fast, lover boy.**

_Right…gotta keep it casual._ Zack thought in determination. _Even if it’s not officially a date, I’m still hanging out with him! We’re even gonna grab dinner! How much more blessed could I be right now?!_

“…Zack?” Cloud’s voice snapped Zack out of his internal monologue, causing the other to notice how much more awkward he was looking. 

Zack quickly shoved his phone back in his pocket. “Haha, not really, not really! I’m okay with wherever though!” Zack folded his hands behind his head, grinning sheepishly. “As long as it’s in a college freshman budget, anyway.”

“Hm…” Cloud paused thoughtfully, going over a few places in his head. Zack felt his heart clench in happiness as he realized that Cloud seemed to be putting a good amount of thought into deciding. “Well there’s a pretty good burger place a few blocks from here, if you don’t mind making a quick stop first.”

“That sounds great!” Zack cheered. “Lead the way!”

Cloud gave him a small nod and started walking, shivering slightly as a rather strong wind blew by. “…Aren’t you cold in just that?” He gestured at Zack, who was walking comfortably in his long sleeve shirt with a basketball letterman jacket over it.

“Who, me?” Zack blinked then gave a cheeky grin. “Nope, I’m fine! I run hot. My dad’s the same way.” Without thinking, he held up the back of his hand to Cloud’s cheek and lightly pressed it against his cool, pale skin. “See?”

Cloud visibly flinched, his eyes widening slightly before he turned his head away from Zack. “…Yeah” He muttered.

Realizing his error, Zack quickly moved his hand away from Cloud’s face and back into his pocket as he chuckled apologetically. “Aha…sorry. Everyone always tells me I need to keep my hands to myself more. Especially during practice! I think I accidentally foul people half the time cuz I forget about personal space…” Zack continued chattering away, filling up the gaps caused by Cloud’s tense silence as he failed to notice the faint blush that touched Cloud’s features and the way that he briefly grazed his own hand over his cheek.

After a few blocks, Cloud stopped in front of a bar. “We’re here.” 

Zack got a few feet ahead of Cloud before he stopped as well and glanced up at the sign. “Seventh…Heaven?” 

Cloud nodded. “I just need to deliver a book that my friend asked me for last week. I haven’t really had time until now…” Cloud started in the door, glancing back at Zack. “I don’t think I need to tell you this but…don’t try and order anything. I don’t want to get arrested.”

Zack bristled slightly at the accusation. “Hey…I wouldn’t go doing something like that.”

Cloud simply smirked lightly in reply and beckoned Zack to follow him. Zack did his best not to act out of place as he followed Cloud into the bar but couldn’t help the way he looked around in curiosity, leaning his head back and forth as he observed some of the early afternoon patrons who stared at him icily.

“Oh, Cloud! You finally made it. Did you bring my book?” 

Zack whirled around to the source of the cheerful voice, feeling his stomach drop ever so slightly as he saw a beautiful dark-haired girl at the bar waving Cloud over. Quietly, and now more aware than ever of the suspicious eyes following him, Zack drew up next to Cloud.

“Yeah. Sorry it took a while.”

She shook her head. “It’s fine, I was honestly expecting you to take all month so you’re beating your last record by a lot.” She paused, having finally noticed Zack, who fidgeted awkwardly under her stare. “Who’s this?”

“This is Zack.” Cloud replied, obviously feeling no need to offer further explanation. “Can I just leave this in your bag, Tifa?”

“Sure…You’re not staying?” Tifa questioned.

Cloud shook his head in response and began to walk towards the employee entrance. “I’ll be right back, just wait here, Zack.” He called over his shoulder.

Zack felt like a kid being told to stay put at a day care. He pouted slightly at the thought, which made him feel even more childish. “…Sure…” Letting out a sigh, he took a seat at the bar and tried to pretend he didn’t feel as awkward as he actually was. 

Tifa picked up a glass from the sink and began to dry it. “So…” She started, looking at Zack with a gentle curiosity. “You’re…a friend of Cloud’s?”

Forcing himself out of his sulking, Zack whirled around to face Tifa with a grin. “Yeah, I am!” He replied and his lack of self-consciousness made Tifa chuckle. 

“I see…Well, any friend of Cloud’s is a friend of mine.” She smiled warmly, though there was a hint of teasing in it. 

Zack hesitated, the sense of dread in his stomach only growing stronger. This girl was so pretty and was obviously closer to Cloud’s age than he was. Could she be…

“Thanks, uh…And you’re his…friend too, huh?” He leaned his elbow on the table, trying and failing to act as casual as possible.

Tifa nodded with a smile that only seemed to grow more knowing as she went on. “Yeah. I met him in one of my graduate classes.”

“Oh…” Zack leaned forward with interest as relief washed over him. So not a girlfriend. There was still a chance. “So you’re a graduate student?” He asked curiously.

Tifa laughed softly. “Of course. I’m just working here to pay the bills. I’m not planning on bartending forever, you know.”

“Makes sense, makes sense. Seems like kind of a rough job, though…” Zack commented, glancing back at some of the bleary-eyed patrons a few tables away.

“It’s not all that bad. I can handle myself.” She shrugged. “You want anything before you go?” Her lips twitched upwards. “Though you’ll probably have to stick to water or soda.”

Zack flushed and rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s really obvious that I’m not 21, huh…”

She shook her head with a smile. “Well, you’ve just got a really honest face. It was obvious that this was the first time you’ve ever walked into the bar.” She laughed softly when Zack winced in embarrassment. “Don’t worry, it’s not a bad thing” She smiled then, after a moment, her expression turned thoughtful. “So how did you and Cloud—”

Tifa was interrupted when Cloud suddenly walked back out. For some reason there was a slight irritation to his aura that hadn’t been there before but, before Zack could think about what could be causing it, it seemed to be gone. “Sorry that took so long.” He gave Tifa a nod. “See you later, Tifa.” And with that walked out the door.

“Ah, wait for me!” Zack hopped off the bar stool, giving Tifa a grin and a friendly wave. “See ya!” Tifa barely had time to wave back before Zack had disappeared. Left alone with her thoughts, she set the now overly-dry glass and picked up another one. “Zack, huh…” She smiled thoughtfully. “You’re full of surprises, Cloud.”

Outside the bar, Cloud had gotten a few yards away before stopping and waiting for Zack to catch up. He didn’t look up at Zack at first as he ran up to his side. “Jeeze, don’t leave without me here!” Zack put his hands behind his head. “So, you said this place is nearby, right?”

“You’re…pretty friendly with everyone, huh?” Cloud kept his gaze off to the side, watching as a few stray cars drove by. 

Zack tilted his head in response. “Huh?”

Cloud shook his head, frowning lightly. “Forget it, never mind.” He glanced up at Zack, who was still looking at him with a confused frown and Cloud’s expression turned guilty.

“…Did I do something wrong?” He lowered his arms and leaned towards Cloud, who reflexively stepped back. “You seemed kinda mad or…”

Cloud shook his head quickly and looked to the side with a cough. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He stood up straight again. “Come on, let’s go. It’s just right down the street.” He pointed to a restaurant, now within eyesight. “I’ve gone there a few times and liked it so…hopefully you’ll like it too.”

More than happy to shift back to a happier topic, Zack nodded enthusiastically. “Of course! I’m not picky at all and if you like it I’m sure it’ll be good!” 

Cloud flushed slightly and began walking again with Zack chatting alongside him. It was a casual burger place, nothing fancy, but when the both of them had received their food from the counter and sat down Zack couldn’t stop raving after every bite. Luckily, he at least knew to chew and swallow his food before talking.

“Ah, it’s so good! You really did pick a good place!” Zack said after a particularly large gulp of soda.

Cloud snorted, taking a more delicate bite of his fry. “It’s not that big of a deal. Do they really feed you that badly at the university cafeteria?”

“Heh…yeah, it’s not great.” Zack laughed. “Sometimes the stuff we get for lunch or dinner is so bad some people end up having cereal or protein bars or something. I’m hungry enough that I’ll eat anything but…Whew! Sometimes you gotta hold your nose or just chew it as fast as possible to get it over with.”

Cloud took a thoughtful sip of his drink. “Why don’t you go out to eat, then?”

“Eh, well…” Zack finished off his burger, taking off a large gulp of soda to wash it down during the pause. “I’m here on a basketball scholarship so I can’t exactly be spending money willy-nilly, ya know? Gotta save where I can.” He gave Cloud a sloppy grin. “So if it gets me through the day it’s better to just grin and bear it”

Cloud stared, unable to think of a response. Zack tilted his head curiously when the silence went on a little too long. “What’s up?”

“Nothing I just…” Cloud glanced to the side. “Didn’t take you for the frugal type, I guess.” If Cloud was being honest with himself, it was the fact that he had assumed Zack was frivolous. He had assumed that he was spoiled, like every other jock that he had known. “Don’t your parents help at all?”

“Eh, I’m sure if I got hit by a car or something they’d help out but—” Zack tapped his fist against his chest. “I’m following my own dreams so I’m supporting myself however I can.” He nodded, his bright blue eyes shining in determination. Despite himself, Cloud felt himself drawn into them. It was becoming more common the more time he spent with Zack: Getting lost in whatever subject he was talking about, getting lost in Zack’s enthusiasm and sheer openness. Feeling like he was invited to share parts about himself too.

It was starting to scare him.

After they had both finished Cloud was still too absorbed in mulling over his worries that he didn’t notice that Zack was asking him a question until his blue eyes were, once again, too close to his face for comfort. Cloud nearly stepped off the sidewalk in an effort to regain his personal space.

_Why does he have to keep doing that?!_ Cloud thought, feeling heat crawl up his neck again. 

“Cloud?”

“I— Sorry, what were you asking?” 

“I was saying, when do you think you’ll be free again?” Zack, thankfully, leaned back into his own personal bubble. “Practice is really starting to ramp up now but next Saturday I could probably…”

“…You want to hang out again?” Cloud interrupted. He hadn’t meant it to sound as rude as it came out and he immediately felt a pang of regret as the smile faded from Zack’s face. He had become so used to seeing that cheerful expression that the loss of it almost felt painful. 

“…You don’t want—”

“I do!” Cloud mentally cursed himself for how quickly he responded, how unintentionally desperate it sounded. “I mean—” Cloud stopped. The smile was back on Zack’s face. “I mean…next Saturday’s fine. I don’t have work that day so I can just meet you near the metro station on campus.”

“Yeah, that’s be great!” Zack’s face had, somehow, become even brighter and the contagious energy had spread enough that Cloud felt a small, fleeting tug at the corners of his mouth. “Until then, I’ll just stop by during work to hang out!”

“Hm…Don’t push yourself” Cloud replied with just the faintest hint of playfulness.

“What— Hey! You’re being sarcastic, aren’t you?!”

“I wonder…”

“I see you laughing—Hey! Cloud!”

“You’re just imagining things.”

A week passed by quickly, with Zack making good on his promise to continue visiting Cloud whenever he could, though Cloud noticed that was becoming less frequent as exams and practice were ramping up. Instead of having more time to focus on tasks at work, however, Zack’s more frequent absences just gave him more time to think about...

Well, think about Zack.

Cloud could no longer deny that he was looking forward to Zack’s visits and was doing more than “tolerating” his presence. He liked talking with him and he liked hearing Zack talk about whatever was on his mind, even if he wasn’t particularly interested in the subject. It was just the way his eyes would light up, the way his features would soften when he smiled, the way his lips—

_No!_ Cloud interrupted what seemed to be the fifth daydream focusing on Zack’s features. _Just stop._

Cloud sighed as, despite his mental efforts, he felt his thoughts once again drifting towards him. Well, there wasn’t any harm in thinking that he was handsome, was there? As long as it stopped at that.

As long as he didn’t start expecting anything it would be fine.

The appointed Saturday arrived and Zack was busy keeping himself warm at the metro station by doing squats when a large black motorcycle rolled into the parking space near where he was standing. 

“Woah…” Zack stopped his squats to stare at the bike in awe as the driver, clad in dark jeans, a black leather jacket and a helmet covering his face dismounted. “Cool!”

Zack was nearly bowled in shock as the driver removed the helmet to reveal some familiar (slightly flattened) blonde spikes. “Cloud!?” Zack rushed over to get a closer look at the bike and at Cloud himself.

“Sorry I’m late.” Cloud said, shooting Zack a confused look as he circled the bike multiple times, seeming like he was trying to absorb as much of it as possible. “What?”’

“I didn’t know you had a bike!” Zack finally stopped his pacing in front of Cloud but still looked ready to start bouncing in excitement. “That’s so cool! And seriously…badass!” 

Cloud, obviously embarrassed by the sincere and intense admiration, started staring intently at the ground. “It’s not a big deal…I just like bikes.”

Zack’s enthusiasm wasn’t deterred. “Man I would give anything to be able to have one of these things though…Do you drive it to work too? Can I ride it?!” Zack clenched his fists together at that last question, practically vibrating. “Please please please?!”

Cloud didn’t know whether to laugh or sigh at Zack’s enthusiasm, so he did a small mixture of both. “Sometimes but my apartment is close enough to the library that I can walk in about 15 minutes so it’d be kind of a waste.” He shot Zack a suspicious glance. “Do you have a helmet?”

Zack instantly deflated and glanced away. “Well…No. I don’t…”

“Then it’s a no go.” Cloud shook his head firmly. “I don’t want to be responsible if you fall off and break your skull open.”

“Man…” Zack sighed. “You’re right, I know that, but…” Zack wistfully looked over at the motorcycle. “It just seems so **fun** , you know? The feeling of freedom as you fly down the road…It just always looks so awesome.” 

Zack let out a final sigh then, seeming to accept his fate, turned to Cloud with a smile. “Well, anyway…Where’d you wanna go this time?”

Cloud didn’t respond at first, seemingly lost in thought. “…Zack, do you have anywhere you have to be later?”

Zack blinked in confusion. “Uh…not really. With you, I thought?” He rubbed the back of his head, frowning. “Unless you changed your mind…”

“I’ll be back in twenty minutes.” Without further explanation Cloud slid back onto his bike and replaced his helmet in one fluid motion.

“Huh!?” Zack stepped back in surprise when Cloud revved the engine. “Wait a second, where are you going?! You just want me to wait out in the cold that long?”

“Just wait inside, I’ll be back.” And with that, Cloud was gone, leaving a very confused and slightly put-off Zack. 

Despite the confusion, Zack obediently went inside and started alternating between pacing and sitting with his foot tapping impatiently. Nineteen minutes later, Zack heard the familiar motorcycle rev and stepped back out into the parking lot to see Cloud hopping off his bike. “Hey, you’re a minute early!” Zack said half-jokingly. He put his hands on his hips, waiting as Cloud pulled a box out of the side compartment. “Listen I know I said that I didn’t have any constraints or anything but if there’s other things you gotta do, you could always tell me before so—Huh?!”

Zack was interrupted as Cloud shoved a black open-faced helmet over his head, moving it back and forth a little before looking satisfied. “That seems to fit well enough.” He nodded to himself.

“I—Huh…What?” Zack stuttered, seeming unable to form a sentence. “Is this for—…You got me—?!”

Cloud still seemed tempted to look away, despite the helmet hiding 80% of his features. “It’s not anything too fashionable but it’ll do the job.” Cloud sat back on the bike then, after a few seconds, glanced at the still dumbfounded Zack. “Are you getting on or what?”

Zack flailed and nearly tripped over himself to get on the bike behind Cloud. “There’s no way, I…How much was it?! I have to—”

“Don’t worry about it.” Cloud cut him off. 

“But I…!”

“It’s almost Christmas time, isn’t it?” Cloud interrupted again, looking ahead. “Just…think of it as an early present or something. I’m not about to start making an undergrad owe me money so just take it.”

“I…” Zack’s voice softened. “Thank you…Cloud. Seriously, I—”

Cloud revved the engine again almost in exact time to interrupt him. “Hold on tight.”

Zack immediately wrapped his arms around Cloud’s upper waist, feeling a thrill as his chest pressed up against Cloud’s back. He was so close to his neck, so close to his skin…Well, underneath the leather jacket and helmets between them. But still! He was basically hugging him, right? That was more than enough to make him happy.

“Okay, read—Woah!” Zack yelped in shock as Cloud started off, though it quickly turned to a laugh of excitement and joy. He tightened his grip on Cloud’s waist as the bike turned out of the side road and onto the highway and then:

They flew. 

Past cars and trucks and road signs and city sights they flew for what felt like both hours and minutes. Zack shouted “This is amazing!” as close to Cloud’s ear as he could get. He wasn’t sure if Cloud heard him since he didn’t seem to react but Zack hoped his feelings got through, at least. 

Cloud was just happy that his helmet was covering up the blush that was becoming more and more obvious the longer Zack had his arms around his waist.

As they continued to drive they left the city behind and came upon the nearby coastal area. The late fall had left it nearly abandoned so when Cloud pulled the bike into a small lot overlooking the beach it was completely empty. Slightly reluctant to let go of Cloud, Zack nonetheless jumped off the bike, nearly getting his helmet stuck as he enthusiastically tried to pull it off. 

“That was…That was just…!” Zack gushed. “Wow! Just…Just wow!! We were really flying, weren’t we!? That was just…And this view!” Zack ran over to the handrail, leaning over as far as possible as if that would help him take in even more of the scenery, of the sun sparkling against the cold waves. “I’ve always wanted to come down here! But the bus basically never comes this far so it was kinda out of the question unless anyone I knew had a car.” He grinned, giving a little fistpump. “But now…Oh man, we should come down here once it gets warm! We can swim and—” Zack turned to look at Cloud, pausing his rambling as he did. 

Cloud, who had removed his helmet by this point, was watching him with a faint smile and something behind his eyes that Zack couldn’t quite place before Cloud, realizing that Zack was looking back at him, turned his gaze out at another part of the beach. “…Yeah. I mostly like coming down here during this time of year though.” Cloud walked over to Zack, giving the other an opportunity to admire the slightly ruffled appearance the helmet had given his blonde spikes. “There’s not that many people.”

“Hm…yeah…” Zack folded his arms thoughtfully. “What about swimming, though? And snorkeling! Oh, and surfing too!”

Cloud snorted. “Think I’ll pass.”

“Aw come on, no way, I always loved it when my parents tok me to the beach as a kid!” Zack laughed and grabbed Cloud’s arm. “Well then I’ll just show you now!”

Cloud balked, pulling his arm against Zack’s grip. “Have you lost it?! You want me to swim in 20 degree water in a leather jacket? I’ll turn into an icicle before I sink to the bottom and drown!”

Zack laughed again and finally relinquished his grip. “Okay, okay but that means we have to come down here when it’s warm too. Even if there’s more people!” Zack clasped his hands together, a gesture that hadn’t seemed to lose its’ effectiveness. “Please?”

Cloud sighed, relinquishing without much further argument. “Okay, we will. No guarantees about me swimming, though.”

“All right!” Zack punched the air, earning slightly amused and exasperated smile from Cloud. “Victory!” He looked back to Cloud, smiling softly. “But either way…Thank you, Cloud.”

Cloud flushed, suddenly seeming very focused on looking out onto the ocean. “I told you to drop the helmet thing, already.”

Zack shook his head. “Not just that. For…everything. Taking me out on your motorcycle…” He gestured out at the water. “Bringing me out here to see all this. It’s been…great” Cloud wasn’t sure how but Zack’s smile seemed to become even gentler. “So thank you.”

Cloud swallowed hard against his dry throat and looked down, his grip on the handrail tightening. “It’s not a big deal.” He mumbled.

“Mmn I dunno about that, but still! It’s been really fun!” Zack tilted his head. “You’re having fun too, right?”

Cloud felt his heart beginning to pound. There it was again…The openness. How was he supposed to respond to someone who just said what they felt all the time?

“…Yeah.” Cloud finally answered, his embarrassment worsened by the way Zack smiled so brightly in response.

_Still…it’s worth it._ Cloud thought. He didn’t want to admit it but it was worth it, being the one to make Zack smile like that. 

He wanted to keep doing it. 

***

“Did something good happen?”

Cloud looked up from his drink to see Tifa looking at him from across the bar, a curious expression on her face. 

“…Not really. Why?” Cloud murmured, taking a bracing sip of liquor.

“You keep smiling to yourself whenever you think I’m not looking.” Tifa watched as Cloud’s hand twitched slightly. “So I kept trying to think of what might have happened but then I remembered…” She went on, casually. “You hung out with that guy again today, right? Zack?”

Cloud sputtered, coughing up the drink he accidentally inhaled before roughly shoving the glass away. “I— Tifa.” He looked at her once he had caught his breath. “Don’t start. It’s not like that.”

“Well, I was just saying…” Tifa began, leaning her arms on the counter. “He seems like a nice guy and you seem really happy after you’ve been around him, so…”

“It’s not like that.” Cloud repeated, more to himself than to her. “There’s…so many reasons that it’s not even within any realm of possibility.” He shook his head. “I don’t know why you can’t see it too.”

“Oh? Care to enlighten me, then?” She coaxed, crossing her arms in suspicion.

“It’s…It’s obvious.” Cloud insisted, taking his glass back into his hands, almost to give him something to do with them as he continued. “We’re completely different. He’s a star player on the basketball team with tons of friends and I’m…well.” He gestured vaguely. “We don’t have anything in common. Not to mention the fact that he’s 5 years younger than me and, oh yeah, if that wasn’t enough? It’s more than obvious he’s straight.”   
Cloud swung his drink back into his mouth, draining the rest of it in one swallow before slamming the glass back onto the bar, harder than he had originally intended. 

He was the one who was trying to convince Tifa of the obvious facts so why did he suddenly feel so crestfallen?

“He’s the sort of person I’d usually hate: A popular jock type with tons of fans…”He went on, his voice becoming more listless. Tifa watched on silently, a frown forming along her lips. “…I still don’t get why he keeps wanting to hang out with me. The fact that we seem to be friends is basically a miracle.” 

Cloud stared at his empty glass in silence before he continued, his voice barely above a whisper. “…There’s no point in thinking about it.” 

Meanwhile a similar conversation with a widely different tone was happening in the common room of Zack’s dorm.

“And he looked so cool when he took off his helmet and his spikes were all wind blown and…! Kunsel! Ugh! Can you believe he has a motorcycle!? That’s just the coolest thing I ever…” 

“Uh huh…”

Zack groaned from the couch. “And he got me a helmet! A helmet, Kunsel! Now we can have motorcycle dates! Motorcycle dates!!”

“Uh huh.”

“And his jacket was the most badass thing I ever…He looked so damn good! It’s just not fair!” Zack paused and, not hearing any response from Kunsel, sat up. “Hey are you listening!?”

“I **was** listening.” Kunsel looked up from his cell phone. “About the first **five times** you told me about your bike trip Zack, I’m pretty sure I’ve memorized it by now!”

“Oh…” Zack paused briefly. “But he looked **so good** in those jeans, Kunsel! And I had my arms wrapped around his waist and—”

Groaning in defeat, Kunsel set his head down on the table and tried his best to resist the urge to throw his phone straight at his friend’s head.

Even if it was tempting.


	5. Snowfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A happy post-finals celebration leads Cloud to reflect on memories he had thought long buried

“Ah, thank God it’s over! I seriously thought I wasn’t gonna make it through that last exam!” Zack moaned, dramatically leaning his head and arms down on the café table. 

Cloud sipped his coffee across from him, watching the other with a faint amusement. “I guess making it through your exams is an important first step. How about passing them?”

Zack waved him off without even lifting his head. “I’m not even gonna think about that part until Christmas break is over. I gotta let some of that pressure off my brain or else it’s gonna start leaking out my ears!”

Cloud took a thoughtful sip. “Mm, I guess you deserve a break after all that. Not waiting until the last minute to cram would be helpful for next time though.” Cloud added, his tone revealing a sense of concern that he wouldn’t allow his face to. Zack seemed to notice, however, and lifted his face so that his chin was resting on the table as he gave Cloud a grin. 

“Nah, it’ll be okay. Under pressure is when I do my best studying!” 

Cloud glanced away with a sigh. “If you say so.”

“Oh yeah, that reminds me!” Zack popped up, his exhaustion from a few seconds ago apparently forgotten. “I still need to give you your Christmas present.” He began to rummage through his bag, not noticing Cloud’s shocked expression. 

“…A present?” Cloud hesitated. “For me?”

“Yeah!” Zack nodded, pulling out a slightly crinkled gift bag with golden ribbon tied around it. “It’s not anything as fancy as a motorcycle helmet, since…ya know, college budget…” Zack rubbed the back of his head, giving Cloud a sheepish grin. “But I still thought about it pretty hard!” He cheerfully handed over the bag over to Cloud, who slowly took it, handling it like it might break if he gripped too hard. 

“I—Zack you didn’t have to…”

“I know I didn’t have to! I wanted to.” Zack smiled. “Well? It’s not gonna open itself.”

Cloud released a breath “…Yeah.” Carefully, he undid the ribbon holding the bag together and reached in, pausing when he felt something cylindrical and firm. “What’s—” Upon seeing it, Cloud clasped a hand over his mouth to prevent a laugh from escaping. “Zack, what in the world…” He looked up, barely restraining a smile as he held the mug up: A simple white one with a colorful book cart in the middle, underneath the words ‘This Is How I Roll’.

Zack grinned. “Isn’t it great?!”

A soft chuckle finally burst past the restrains of Cloud’s stoicism. “It’s so dumb…”

“In a great way!” Zack beamed. “I was looking for a coffee mug for you, since you drink like 2 or 3 cups a day, and this one just jumped out at me!”

Cloud put the mug down. “I don’t drink **that** much…” He retorted, ignoring the large coffee cup in front of him. “But…thank you Zack.” He shyly glanced over at him. “You really didn’t have to get me anything. But…I appreciate it.” He smiled lightly. “Even if it’s a stupid librarian pun.”

Zack was practically swaying in happiness. “I’m glad you like it. Hell, it even got you to laugh!” He pointed at the bag. “There’s one more thing though.”

Cloud reached back into the bag and, lo and behold, felt something firm but less mug-shaped inside. “Zack, you…really didn’t have to get me so much…” He mumbled, pulling out a pair of simple, but nonetheless striking, silver bookends. Cloud stared at them, unsure of what to say. They looked…expensive, despite their lack of intricate designs. He glanced up at Zack, who seemed to realize what he was thinking. 

“Ah! Don’t worry, don’t worry!” He held up his hands. “I found them at a goodwill! They were a little rough around the edges so I ended up having to shine them up some but…I didn’t break the bank” He insisted, failing to mention just how many stores he had ended up at trying to find something that suited Cloud’s taste. 

“Zack, I—” Cloud faltered, looking down at the bookends and running a thumb along the edges. “They’re…really great, but…I already have so many—” He looked up, freezing as he saw the crestfallen expression on Zack’s face.

“…Really?” He frowned. “I—”

“But I can always make room for more!” Cloud added hastily. “I always end up with too many books on my floor, so…” 

He sighed with relief as the smile returned to Zack’s face. “So you like them?”

Cloud nodded, knowing full well he had no more room for any more books in his apartment, much less book ends. “I do. Thank you Zack…” He paused. “But still, you didn’t need to go to all this trouble just because I—”

“Don’t start with that.” Zack shook his head. “I’d want to get you something even if you hadn’t gotten me that helmet.” He added cheerily and Cloud felt his heart skip a few beats. 

Zack’s generosity, the fact that he had put so much thought into the gifts, thinking about what he might like or dislike; It had been a long time since Cloud had felt like a priority in someone else’s mind and he wasn’t really sure how to handle it. 

It was also starting to bring up thoughts and memories that he preferred to keep buried. 

Noticing Cloud’s shift into silence, Zack moved on to the next subject. “I bet you’re looking forward to Christmas break too, huh? You finally get all us undergrads out of your hair now that finals are over.” He folded his hands behind his head with a grin. “You look like you could use a vacation too, judging by those circles under your eyes.”

Cloud snorted. “I’d say. Not it’s much of a ‘vacation’ since I’ll still be in my office for a lot of it but now I can actually catch up on things I’ve gotten three weeks behind on.”

“…You’re not going home?” Zack questioned. For some reason, he seemed slightly disappointed.

“No way.” Cloud murmured, finishing off the last dregs of his coffee. “I haven’t been back home for break in years.” He glanced to the side as he unconsciously tightened his grip on the coffee cup, nearly crushing the paper. “I don’t exactly have many good memories there, so there’s no point in me going back.”

Zack frowned. “No good memories, huh...” He looked down, his voice softening. “I see.”

Cloud, noticing the strange despondency that fell across Zack’s features, quickly pulled himself out of his own melancholy. “It’s not that big of a deal. My mom and I had a falling out as well so…she’s just learned not to expect me at this point. It doesn’t bother me, so…” Cloud wasn’t sure what he was trying to say, he just wanted Zack to stop frowning. "Don’t worry about it.”

“Hm…” Zack looked back up at him. “You sure you won’t be lonely here on campus all by yourself?”

Cloud shook his head. “Zack it’s not like the zombie apocalypse is happening. There’ll be stragglers, it’ll just be much quieter than it usually is which…honestly, suits me just fine. Plus Tifa’s family actually lives nearby so I’ll be able to hang out with her some before she goes home.” This seemed to cheer Zack up somewhat, much to Cloud’s relief. “I’ll be fine.” He emphasized. 

“Okay, if you say so…” Zack smiled. “Plus, I’ll text you every day!”

Cloud shook his head, the faintest of smiles breaking through his exasperation. “You don’t have to do that, Zack…You have your own family and friends at home to pay attention to without sending me pity-texts.”

“They’re not pity texts!” Zack huffed. “Well either way, I’ll at least wish you a Merry Christmas since I won’t be here to tell you in person.” He grinned with that sweet, genuine expression of his. “Okay?”

Cloud felt his neck heat up and looked away with a cough. He had to stop looking at Zack whenever he would give one of those smiles. Instead of becoming more immune to it with time, Cloud felt as if he was getting worse at handling it. “You…need to get to the bus station soon, right?”

Zack blinked and, after looking at his cell phone, nearly jumped out of his seat. “Ah shit, the carpool’s leaving soon and I still need to grab my bag— Damn it, I knew I should have brought it with me!” Zack practically threw on his hat and coat. “At least I know Kunsel’s half-expecting me to be late so it shouldn’t be a big deal, but— Anyway!” Without thinking, Zack threw his arms around Cloud and pulled him into a warm embrace. “Have a good break, Cloud! I’ll see you when I get back!”

Cloud stiffened, his eyes widening in shock. Zack must have felt the jolt through Cloud’s body, as he quickly let him go and gave him an extra foot of personal space for good measure. “Ah, sorry, I—Uh…” Zack rubbed his neck and, after failing to think of any sort of an excuse, gave Cloud an apologetic grin. “Anyway, Merry Early Christmas. See you!” Without another word Zack sped out the door and into the snow, giving Cloud a final wave before he disappeared.

Cloud stood in that spot, frozen for almost an entire minute before he finally sank down into the chair. His heart pounded loudly in his ears as the blush spread from his neck to the tips of his ears. “…Shit…” He muttered, putting his hand over his face. _Stop it…What are you getting like this for? You know it doesn’t mean anything. He thinks you’re his friend and was giving you a good-bye hug. That’s it…_

Cloud opened his eyes and looked out the window, watching as a fresh snowfall began to drift and cover the sidewalk and all the passerbys in a fresh blanket of white.

“…It doesn’t mean anything.”

***

“How about you try going out with me?”

Those were the words 16-year old Cloud had never expected to hear through his high school career, much less from the star senior player on the soccer team (and the person he had been crushing for the past year).

“W-…Huh?” Was all Cloud could manage, staring up at the silver-haired teen with what was probably the stupidest expression he had made in his life. 

“You’re single, aren’t you?” He smirked lightly, shifting as he placed a hand on his hip. “I’d like to try dating you. Unless you have any objections?”

“N-…no!” Cloud stammered out, head bowed as he tried, and failed, to hide the blush spreading across his face to the tips of his ears. “I-…I don’t…I was just…” He glanced up at Sephiroth through his bangs, shyly. “I just wasn’t expecting it…I guess…”

“Hm…” He tilted his head. “Well, how about we get started today?” Sephiroth glanced at his two teammates who were standing behind him. “You guys don’t have any objections to me leaving practice a little bit early, right?”

In his lovestruck haze, Cloud completely missed the way Sephiroth’s teammates smirked at each other.

“Guess we don’t have much of a choice.”

“You’re lucky coach practically worships the ground you walk on.”

“See ya tomorrow, Seph.”

And with that, the two of them were left alone, with Cloud still in complete disbelief. Sephiroth frowned lightly at the other’s continued silence and tense body language.

“Well? You don’t seem very happy about this…Are you sure you really want to?”

Cloud began fidgeting, wringing his hands together awkwardly as he looked everywhere but Sephiroth’s face. “I do, I just…I-I’ve…liked you for a little while and the fact that you just suddenly came up to me like this…” Cloud looked up hesitantly. “It’s just a little hard to believe…”

“Well, you should believe it. I asked you out, didn’t I?” He smiled lightly¬¬, though for some reason it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Now why don’t we get something to eat?”

Cloud just nodded and followed blindly, not caring where or what Sephiroth had planned and was more than happy to let him take the lead. The fact that Sephiroth, one of the most popular boys in the entire senior class (if not the entire school) had asked **him** out…Cloud could hardly believe it. He wasn’t even remotely in the same social circles that Sephiroth breezed through…or much of a social circle to begin with, not with his glasses and his preference for the company of a book over the company of his peers. Not to mention the fact that, up until then, Sephiroth had gone through dating some of the prettiest and most popular girls in his class and the fact that he was now picking **him** …Cloud had never imagined it as a possibility, even in his most personal of daydreams.

But now Sephiroth was walking him to the closest fast-food restaurant near campus, asking him about himself and seeming to take interest in the way Cloud stumbled his way through their conversations, seeming to be genuinely interested as Cloud began, slowly, to open up. Over the next week Cloud grew less nervous and began to enjoy the feeling of Sephiroth seeking him out during the day to say hello and ask him about his day. The feeling of being **wanted** , the feeling of being able to express his hopes and desires to someone else…it was almost too good to be true.

Unfortunately, it really was.

Or so Cloud would discover the next Monday, when Sephiroth had requested Cloud to meet him after school at the soccer field. Cloud had been puzzled by the request but nonetheless showed up right after his last class. To his surprise, it wasn’t just Sephiroth that was there waiting for him; No, it was a group of at least 15 of 20 students, all staring at him. All waiting for him. Cloud felt himself shrinking underneath their gaze and looked up at Sephiroth. 

“W-What’s…this all about?” He questioned, feeling his heart begin to pound as Sephiroth fixed him with an unusually cruel smirk.

“Oh this? Who knows…they just showed up on their own.” He shook his head. “But anyway, I’ve been thinking about it and, to be honest, I’m a bit sick of it.”

A soft wave of laughter spread across the crowd.

Cloud wanted nothing more than to turn around and run, run as far away from all of this as possible. But his legs refused to move. So he asked, his voice wavering. “…Sick of what?”

“Well, I tried to give you a chance, really…I did. But even after a whole week I couldn’t find a thing to actually keep me interested for any longer. Not even on using you for— Well. You know.” He shrugged. “So…sorry. But it’s over.” He tucked a stray piece of hair behind his ear, giving his audience a moment to react. The laughter became less subdued and Cloud could hear someone whisper ‘This is great, would you get a look at his face!’

“…I-…” Cloud faltered. “I don’t…I don’t understand…”

“What…did you really think that someone would actually like you, would actually want to date you?” Sephiroth shook his head dramatically and the laughter from the crowd rang in Cloud’s ears. “I’ll admit I was willing to play along with this prank because you were a little cute from far away but then you just had to **ruin** it by opening it your mouth and being so completely…boring. Really, do you have any other interests outside of reading? I was practically falling asleep every time you tried to have a conversation.” Another wave of laughter.

Cloud, trembling all over, forced his legs to turn the rest of his body around and run as fast as he possibly could, ignoring how the crowd roared with laughter, ignored how he knew the next day and possibly every day after that was going to be pure hell with how he would be mocked for this, how he would have to see the faces of Sephiroth and the rest of them every single day with those cruel, knowing smiles. No, the thought that Cloud focused on the hardest as he blinked the tears away was Sephiroth’s words:

_Did you really think that someone would actually like you?_

More than the betrayal, what hurt even more was the truth that Cloud knew was hidden in those words: the truth that had been locked in the depths of his heart. 

Even after Cloud left his home town behind, those words followed him. They followed him through college when the few people he even thought about dating showed little to no interest and, if they did, lost interest quickly after. One girl had even admitted to dating him because he had reminded her of someone else and, after that, he never heard from her again.

Not that Cloud really blamed her. At least she had been honest in the end.

***

“…Cloud?”

Tifa’s voice pulled Cloud from the haze of his memories, ones that he had thought were far enough behind him to stop leaving such a dull ache in his chest. 

“I—…Sorry, were you saying something?” Cloud took a sip from his third(?) drink of the night, trying to avoid staring into Tifa’s worried eyes. 

She sighed, putting a hand on her hip. “I was just saying I need to leave to get home for Christmas Eve dinner soon so I’m going to be closing up.” Cloud looked around at the bar, which had been festively decorated for the season with lights and garland. When he had come in it had been full of people celebrating the holiday but, without him noticing, now he was the only one left. Had he really been that lost in his own thoughts?

“Ah…right. Sorry, I’ll get going.” Cloud shuffled his coat on his shoulders, not bothering to finish his drink. He was feeling lightheaded enough.

Tifa frowned lightly. “Are you sure you don’t want to come over for dinner? My dad would be glad to have you…”

He shook his head. “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”

 _…Probably_ He thought.

“I don’t want to intrude” He added, giving her a light smile as he slid away from the bar. “Have a Merry Christmas, Tifa.”

“Merry Christmas, Cloud” She called after him. “Be careful on the way home, okay?”

“Yeah, I will.” He raised his hand in a small wave as he opened the door and stepped out and was immediately braced by the freezing cold. With a shiver he pulled his coat tighter around himself and stared out at the city, which was now covered in a blanket of snow. It almost seemed inviting, somehow.

Cloud didn’t want to go home. A sense of loneliness was starting to overcome him and he knew he didn’t want to be back in his apartment with nothing besides his own thoughts. So, for the first time since moving to that town, Cloud headed into the city square to take a look at the lights and the large Christmas tree that was put up every year. Briefly, he thought that may be being around people would get his mind on other things, that it would help distract him. But as he watched happy couples walk by, holding hands and smiling at each other, he only felt his heart twist further and further. 

Cloud stopped in front of the tree, watching it as a new round of snowflakes began to quietly drift down on it. It almost looked like something out of a card, or a Christmas special. 

_Zack would probably really like this_ Cloud thought, pulling out his phone and snapping a picture before sending it to him via text. He wondered what Zack was doing right now, if it was snowing where he was…Was he having a nice dinner with his family? Or maybe, if it was snowing, starting a late night snowball fight? Would he be sleeping after the stress of finals or would he be laughing at the dinner table, his eyes bright as he told another one of his stupid jokes?

 _It doesn’t really capture it that well._ Cloud scrunched his nose at the slightly fuzzy picture.

_If only he was here to see it with me, instead of…_

Cloud clenched the front of his jacket as the pain in his chest, which had been dulled by the alcohol, now began to spread throughout his entire body. Too late did he finally realize why he stayed too long at Tifa’s bar, why he felt the need to keep himself around people, against his usual nature; he needed to distract himself from the desperate loneliness of wanting so, so badly for Zack to be here with him; of knowing the hopelessness of his realization that it was more than friendship that he wanted.

Cloud jumped slightly as his phone buzzed and, with a mixture of delight and dread, saw that it was a response from Zack. 

**From: Zack  
That looks so good! So you went out to enjoy the lights? That’s awesome! It’s snowing here too. Looks like it’ll be a white Christmas! :D**

Despite himself, Cloud smiled. He could practically hear the words coming from Zack’s mouth and see the way his eyes probably brightened at the picture. Almost immediately, however, the crushing feeling of not having Zack **here** with him returned, worse than before.

Cloud sighed, clenching the phone to his chest. 

If only…If only he had never met him. Then it wouldn’t hurt this much, knowing this loneliness was only going to get worse, even after Zack came back.

After all, why would anyone, especially someone like Zack, love him?


	6. Fever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Writer's block...is a bitch.

Cloud woke up with a dry throat, a pounding headache and clammy, sickening feeling, like he had been drenched in a bucket of sweat. It was the first time in years that he had felt this sick and he knew why. Staying outside in the snow with just a wool coat and no gloves hadn’t put him in the best position to face the cold but he really hadn’t done himself any favors by wandering around late into the night. And even when he had come home it had taken him so long to fall asleep that he could hardly call it “restful”, not especially when he kept thinking about—

“…Damn it…” Cloud croaked out, sighing as he flopped his forearm over his eyes. 

At least he had the day off, with it being Christmas at all. Though if he felt this bad he was probably going to have to call off the next day…and maybe even the next. 

Trying to figure out just how late he had slept, Cloud shifted over to grab his cell phone off the bedside table. When the screen remained black despite flipping open, Cloud internally panicked, thinking he may had dropped the thing and broken it in his half-drunken haze. Much to his relief, after a few minutes of charge it sprung back to life. 

_2 pm…_ Cloud sighed again and pulled the covers over his head. He knew he would have to get up and get something to drink, maybe even force some crackers down his throat if he was feeling especially desperate but for now all he wanted to do was go back to sleep and not think about anything.

He was just drifting off when his phone began buzzing insistently. Cloud’s initial thought was to ignore it but, after about a minute of buzzing, he sat up with a groan and looked over to see exactly who would be calling him in the middle of the afternoon on Christmas—

_Oh_

Cloud’s hand hovered over the phone, which displayed Zack’s contact info with an almost mocking cheeriness.

 _Don’t answer it._ Cloud reprimanded himself. He couldn’t talk to Zack right now…Not when the realization was so fresh in his mind of what he wanted from him, what he couldn’t have. If he talked to him now, then…

“Ah, Cloud! You finally picked up!”

Cloud gripped the bedsheets tightly with his free hand, feeling his heart speed up at the sound of Zack’s cheery voice, mixed with self-loathing at his own weakness. 

“I texted you this morning but I didn’t get a reply or anything so I figured this would be faster! So? Is it still snowing there? It’s a White Christmas here, that’s for sure! I—” A female voice was heard in the background, shouting something that Cloud couldn’t make out. Zack must have called back to her holding the phone away from his ear, since his next sentence sounded more distant “Eh?! Mom I said hold on, I’ll help in a second! …What?! I already told you, I’m calling my friend!” Zack’s voice came in range again and Cloud’s throat tightened at the sound. “Sorry bout that…Anyway! How are you?”

 _Awful. I’m doing awful and it’s your fault…_ Cloud shut his eyes, tightening his grip on the phone. _Why does it always have to turn out like this?_

Zack’s voice called out from the speaker again, sounding more worried. “…Cloud?”

“I’m—” Cloud’s voice was hoarse, barely above a whisper and now shaking with emotion. He coughed a few times, partially from illness and partially to try and get himself under control. “I’ve…I’m all right. It sounds like you’re having fun at home…”

“You don’t sound all right.” The concern in Zack’s voice had increased and Cloud felt his heart clench painfully. 

_I really…_

“Are you okay? Are you sick?”

_I’m the worst_

“I…I’m…I just got a cold, that’s all…” Cloud managed to croak out. He hated that Zack was getting so worried over him but that awful, selfish part of him took pleasure in it too. It made him happy that Zack was worried, that Zack cared about him…at least in some small way, at least enough to worry about his health. He wanted Zack to worry more, wanted him to show that he was thinking about him. And he hated himself for that too. “Sorry…I didn’t reply. My phone died.”

_Because I was out too late thinking about you. Thinking about how I wish you were here with me_

Cloud could practically hear the frown in Zack’s voice. “Just a cold, huh…You still sound pretty bad. Do you want me—”

“It’s fine.” Cloud put as much force into his voice as he could muster, forcing Zack to stop before he could say something like ‘Do you want me to come see you’. If Cloud heard him ask those words it would be nearly impossible to deny what he truly wanted. “I’m not a kid…I’ve gotten sick on my own plenty of times” Cloud coughed, making his head throb even worse. 

“But—“

“Don’t worry about me, Zack…” Cloud could feel his voice trembling in exhaustion, barely above a whisper with his throat raw and dry. “Just enjoy Christmas with your family. I need to get back to sleep.” Not waiting for any further arguments, Cloud hung up and dropped the phone on the ground before sinking back into the pillows in another round of pathetic-sounding coughing. It would be a while before he could sink back into a fitful sleep, so burdened with the twisting of his heart and mind that it seemed to make the illness of his body even worse. 

The next day was a haze of barely-restful sleep, shuffling to the kitchen to get a sip of water before practically collapsing back into his bed to pass out once again. By the time Cloud felt energetic enough to stay conscious for more than 20 minutes at a time, he realized that he hadn’t really eaten anything in two days and that was probably going to make getting better a _lot_ harder. Swallowing his pride, he reached down to grab his phone, intent on texting Tifa to see if she would be able to swing by with some soup and something more electrolyte-filled than water. 

His heart sunk when, on opening his phone, he saw no less than three missed calls from Zack and multiple text messages, all a few hours apart. He quickly texted Tifa and shut his phone again before he was tempted to read the messages or reply to them. 

_I hope he didn’t spend his entire Christmas worrying about me…_ Cloud frowned deeply, his guilt forcing his hand to open the phone again and read the messages, all of them increasingly worried variations of ‘Are you alive?!’

 **I’m feeling better** Cloud texted. It wasn’t a **complete** lie, after all. And it would hopefully make Zack stop worrying and focus on having fun on his vacation. 

“Why did it have to be a guy like him…” Cloud murmured, pressing his phone to his chest. “He’s too…”

 _He’s too good. And I’m not…_ He closed his eyes.

_I’m not a good person._

Cloud slipped into another round of fitful sleep, only to be awakened by an insistent pounding at the door. At first, Cloud thought that he was dreaming and nearly drifted back into unconsciousness but the mixture of daylight streaming through his blinds and the increase in speed and desperation of the knocking finally forced him out of bed. “All right…all right…” He groaned, nearly knocking his glasses off his bedside table as he blindly searched for them and slipped them on his nose. 

Cloud felt the room spinning as he stumbled to the door, reflecting on how sleeping for practically two days and barely eating anything can really take a toll on the human body. Leaning on the wall for stability, he started cracking his door open. “Hey, Tifa, you can—”Cloud froze.

Huh. He had started to hallucinate too. Because there was no way that that was actually Zack standing there, at his front door, clutching a grocery bag in his gloved hand, his face flush as his panting breath froze in the air between them. 

Well, since it was a hallucination, there was no harm in admiring how cute he looked in his pullover hat and scarf wrapped around his neck. And his expression was cute too, the way his eyes widened in shock at the sight of him…

“F…Feeling better **my ass**!” Zack sputtered, shocking Cloud out of his half-feverish daze as he forced his way inside and shut the door behind him.

_Wait a minute…He’s actually here?! I’m not losing it?!_

“Z…” Before Cloud could finish his sentence, Zack grabbed Cloud’s elbow with his free hand and dragged him back towards his bed. 

“You look like **shit**! Now where’s your room— Aha! Okay, now lie down and **stay** there, I’m serious! Have you even eaten anything since I called you!?” With a mixture of force and gentleness, Zack pulled Cloud back into his bed and covered him up. “By how damn pale you are I’m gonna say that’s a no.”

In a whirlwind of energy, Zack pulled his coat and boots off and threw them next to the door before setting the grocery bag in the kitchen. “Hey you got a pot or something I can— Nevermind, I found it!”

“I—What…You…” Cloud fumbled over his half-attempted sentences. “What are you… **doing** here…?!” Cloud could barely contain the panic in his voice and his face. Zack was here, somehow, in his house…Which was a complete mess, with books and papers strewn everywhere and three weeks behind on cleaning. And not to mention what a complete mess **he** was, with his hair sticking out in all ends, wearing nothing but a dirty t-shirt and sleep pants and not to mention the fact that he hadn’t **showered** in two days…

Reflexively, Cloud sniffed himself and grimaced. This was a nightmare scenario to have anyone in his apartment to see him like this but the fact that it was **Zack** that was here, seeing him looking completely disheveled…Well, if jumping out the window as an escape was an option, Cloud would have definitely taken it at this point. 

“What am I doing here? Well…” Zack called out from the kitchen. Cloud couldn’t see his face, but his voice was starting to sound more embarrassed as he went on. “I ended up coming home a day early and I…stopped by the bar to see if I could find Tifa. Which I actually did, luckily! Anyway, I wanted to see if she had heard from you and when she said you texted her to ask if you could bring some food over I got even **more** worried—Now where’s the can opener…Aha!” Zack paused as some clanging and rustling sounds could be heard. “But I asked if she’d be okay if I brought something over instead and she gave me your address. It was a little confusing but I got here!”

Cloud’s head was reeling and ¬not just from the exhaustion and malnutrition. “So you…you…”

“I brought you soup and some sports drinks! And stuff for grilled cheese if you think you want it…Oh! And some ginger ale. That helps me feel better when I’m sick.” Zack strolled back in, causing Cloud to reflexively cover himself up further, trying to hide himself as much as possible out of sheer embarrassment. “Here’s something to drink first, though. I hope you like lemonade flavor…that’s the kind I always like during practice.” He grinned and Cloud felt like his heart was about to gallop straight out of his chest. Shakily, he took the glass, not mentioning that he didn’t _particularly_ like anything lemon flavored and drank.

“That okay?” Zack squatted down so that he was more at eye level with Cloud, who felt like he was going to break the glass that Zack handed him with how hard he was squeezing it. 

“…Yeah. Thanks.” Cloud muttered, doing his best to avoid Zack’s bright smile. 

“Good! I’ll go get some soup for ya then…Oh! Don’t worry, heating up soup is simple enough that even a college kid like me can do it.” He laughed and Cloud indulged in the sound. “Be back in a sec.”

Zack turned and left Cloud to his own tumultuous thoughts. After finishing the sports drink, Cloud set the glass down and lay his head back on the pillow, his thoughts going around and around the fact that Zack was here in his apartment, making him soup, being so…kind.

 _This isn’t fair._ Cloud tried to swallow around the lump forming in his throat. _Why does he keep making me fall for him more?_

“Here ya go! Chicken noodle soup, always a classic for kicking a cold’s ass.” Gently, Zack handed the hot bowl over to Cloud, who slowly took the spoon in hand and began to eat before Zack could even jokingly offer to hand feed him. “…I don’t think I probably could’ve screwed up canned soup, but is it okay?”

“…It’s good. Thank you.” Cloud said, glancing up to briefly meet Zack’s gaze. 

“Heh, see? What did I tell ya…Something even a college undergrad can’t mess up”

Cloud ate silently for a moment as the feeling of awkwardness threatened to overwhelm him. “…Were your parents upset?”

Zack tilted his head curiously. “Hm?”

“For…coming home early…” 

“Oh! Nah, I think they were probably getting sick of me anyway.” Zack held up his hands as Cloud looked over at him in concern. “Don’t worry, don’t worry, we have a pretty good relationship actually. I just get too stir crazy if I’m not doing anything at home and I think it starts to drive them crazy. They were happy to have me home though…They said they hope you feel better too.” He added softly. 

_So I even made Zack’s parents worry about me. Great._

Cloud shook his head. “I’m okay.” He paused as Zack gave him a disbelieving glare. “Well, I’m better now that I’ve got some food in me.” He said with a frown. 

Zack seemed to take heart in his words and smiled. “Good.” To Cloud’s dismay, he began to look around his room, taking in the complete disaster of books and papers. “You really weren’t kidding about how many books you had, huh…” Zack paused as something caught his eye and moved over to his desk, where the silver bookends were standing. “So you really **did** use them!” Zack picked one up, idly turning it over in his hand. “I’m glad.” He shot a grin over his shoulder at Cloud, who was paying very close attention to the soup he was eating.

“…It’s not like I would lie about something like that.” Cloud murmured, fiddling with his spoon in irritation. This only made Zack’s grin wider and he went back to glancing around Cloud’s room. Suddenly, Cloud remembered what he had meant to do before his mind had entered that fever-induced haze. “…I almost forgot—” He started to raise his voice but stopped as he got sent into another coughing fit that had Zack immediately at his side again. “…The book.” He croaked, rubbing his throat. “I forgot to give it to you…before you left. Sorry. It’s there if you want to try it.”

Zack tilted his head, his worried expression much too cute and much too close to Cloud’s face for his liking. “The…book?”

“Did you forget already?” Cloud fixed Zack with an exasperated stare. “I said I’d see if I could find you something to read that would actually keep your attention.” He gestured at his desk, glancing away. “I meant to do it weeks ago but…Anyway. Like I said, don’t blame me if you get bored. It’s the one with the green cover” He muttered, doing his best to keep his expression neutral even as he so _so badly_ wanted Zack to like it, wanted him to think he knew his taste, wanted to make him happy…

Increasing Cloud’s anxiety was the fact that Zack was completely silent as he went back over to the desk and slowly picked the book up, turning it over in his hand. 

Before Cloud could force himself to think of a way to break the silence, Zack finally spoke; his voice uncharacteristically soft. “You…got this for me?” Cloud finally dared to look Zack’s way and the sight made his heart swell: Zack was holding the book gently, like it was something precious, as he stared at the cover with wide eyes. After a moment he looked up, locking eyes with Cloud and as his face broke into a radiant smile. “Really?”

Cloud looked down again, holding his blanket in a death grip. “I…I said I would.”

“…Can I read it now?” Zack practically glided back over to Cloud’s bedside, pulling up a chair as he did. 

“R…Right now?” Cloud sputtered, sending him into another short coughing fit. “You…”

With how his warring desires and emotions were going at it inside his mind, Cloud felt like he was breaking back into another fever. He didn’t know it was possible to be so terrified and happy at the same time, with how badly he wanted Zack to stay close to him, with how sure he was that Zack was leading him on somehow. He couldn’t be genuine. He had to be making fun of him.

He had to.

“…Don’t you have anywhere you have to be? I’m sure…”

_There are so many people better, more fun, more like you, that you could be with._

“…You have other things you need to be doing.”

Zack shook his head. “Nah, not really.” He smiled. “If I’m bugging you I’ll go but…you’ve been lonely stuck in here by yourself, right?” He patted the book with a grin. “I’ll even read to you! Even if I stumble over some of the sentences it’s better than staring at a wall.” He laughed a little, rubbing the back of his head. “Well, I think so, anyway.”

He leaned closer and Cloud was happy that the flush on his face could be contributed to fever and not how badly he wanted to lean closer and keep staring into those sky-blue eyes. “So what do you say. You gonna kick me out?”

Cloud’s mouth opened and closed wordlessly. Finally, after a heavy moment of silence, Cloud lay back down and turned his back to Zack. “…Do whatever you want.” He replied curtly, pulling the blanket up to his ears. 

“Ha! All right, bedtime story it is—Ah. Well, I guess it’s technically not night time…but anyway.” Without looking at him, Cloud could hear Zack flip through the pages before going back to read the title. “Let’s see…‘And Then There Were None’, huh?”

“It’s a mystery.” Cloud mumbled, his voice muffled by the blanket. “I thought that’d keep your interest more than a lot of other things.”

“…I see.” Despite his embarrassment, Clod was desperately tempted to see what kind of smile Zack had on his face. “All right then, Chapter 1:…”

Cloud listened quietly as Zack read, the gentle lull of his voice relaxing him further and further until Cloud could feel himself drifting off as he completely relaxed. Despite Zack stumbling over some of the more complicated words and taking pauses in the middle of sentences, Cloud felt as though he could listen to him read anything, even the local news, just to hear the sound of his voice.

As Cloud drifted off into a comfortable, dreamless sleep, he could have sworn he felt a hand threading through his hair and the sound of a soft “Good night” whispered near his ear as his glasses were slipped off his face. 

Though it had to have been his imagination.


	7. The Edge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zack does something that he can't take back.

It was a few weeks past the end of Christmas break and the entire campus was in the expected post-holiday slog. The snow that had seemed so picturesque and cheery during Christmas time was now gray, sludgy and depressing as everyone’s state of mind.

_Well, mostly everyone._ Cloud thought with a hint of amusement. Zack was still his usual cheerful self whenever he would come and visit, something that Cloud was always grateful for. 

Grateful to a certain extent, anyway. 

Ever since he had visited him on break, Cloud felt himself becoming more and more uneasy around Zack while at the same time wanting to spend more and more time with him. He knew he was being pathetic, with the almost predatory way that he would eagerly await him after work so they could grab something to eat or even exchange a few words in between Zack going from class to practice. Cloud enjoyed each and every moment he spent with him but he couldn’t help but think that it was all going to go wrong somehow, that his suspicions about Zack would somehow be proven correct: That he was secretly making fun of him or, even worse, would realize that he had made a mistake in trying to be friends with him in the first place. Cloud wanted to blame his darkened thoughts on the gloomy weather and attitude of the student body but he knew that he only had himself to blame. 

_And this is why you’ve been single for God knows how long._ He thought with a sigh. _You’re not going to get anywhere if you keep this attitude up_

Cloud threw on his coat before heading out the door of the library, his end of work ritual culminating in the cheerful buzz in his pocket telling him that Zack was texting him. He hated how he had begun to expect it at this point but, even so, looking at the screen to read the ‘Hey let’s grab something to eat after practice!’ in Zack’s cheerful voice never failed to put a smile on his face. 

_Although…_ Cloud’s smile faded slightly. _I’m sure he wouldn’t be so eager if he knew what I really wanted_

_Stop feeling sorry for yourself_ The other part of his brain chided. _You’ll get over it. You **have** to get over it. You don’t have any other choice._

Shivering slightly, he pulled his coat collar up over his ears and trudged through the slush to meet Zack at a small convenience store on campus. It was one of the spots that they ended up frequenting more often than not, thanks to its’ closeness to the gym where the basketball team practiced and for its’ cheap sandwiches. It wasn’t someplace that Cloud would have normally chosen to spend time but he always waved off Zack’s questions about going elsewhere, always telling him that he wasn’t trying to make Zack broke. What he didn’t tell him was that it didn’t matter where they were, as long as Zack was there. 

_But for how much longer?_ Cloud frowned as he took a sip from the cheap convenience store coffee. _How much longer is this going to last?_

“But then you know what I told him? I said—” Zack paused then leaned towards Cloud. “Hey, are you even listening?” He asked suspiciously.

Cloud jumped slightly, nearly dropping his coffee in the process. “...What?”

“I knew it, you weren’t listening!” Zack said with a pout. Cloud suppressed the sudden urge to pinch his cheek and kiss the pout from his lips.

“Well, it’s a little bit hard to concentrate when we’re sitting outside on a bench in the middle of January” Cloud retorted, covering up the uneasiness with his usual sarcasm. “I think I lost the feeling in my toes already.”

“Aw come on, it’s not that bad. I’m still warm!”

“Well I’m not the one that’s been running around in the gym for the past two hours.” Cloud scoffed.

“Okay, okay...” Zack took a final bite of his sandwich. “I get it, I get it. We can sit somewhere inside next time.” He said with a sheepish grin. “I just figured since it’s pretty quiet out here you’d like that better than being in somewhere crowded with everyone trying to get in from the cold.”

Cloud nearly choked on his coffee, which was made even more embarrassing by the fact that it **was** very quiet. Besides the people inside the store, the two of them were surrounded by a silent, dark blanket of snow. “I—” He coughed, quickly turning away from Zack. _Why does he always have to be worrying about me?_ “…If anything you’re at more of a risk of getting too cold since you’ve been running around sweating outside. We should go in somewhere.” Cloud moved to stand up but was stopped as Zack reached over for his hand. Cloud felt himself go rigid in shock.

“Nah, I’m fine, I swear! See?” Zack pulled off one of his gloves and clasped his now bare hand over Cloud’s. “Nice and warm” 

Cloud felt like his brain was short circuiting. He knew he was in a dangerous situation, that he should pull his hand away and chide Zack for his stupid joke but he couldn’t. He could only stay sitting there, staring up into Zack’s eyes as he fumbled for words. “…Yeah…” He replied stupidly

Zack’s eyes widened slightly. “But jeeze your hands are freezing! What the hell, you’re older than me and you still forget gloves half the time!” Zack pulled his other glove off so that he could hold Cloud’s hands in both of his own. 

“I…” Cloud’s voice felt embarrassingly shaky and weak. “The coffee…was keeping them warm…” He didn’t even know what he was trying to say. All he could focus on was that Zack’s warm hands were gently squeezing his own and on how much closer the blues of his eyes were to his face.

Zack’s smile suddenly faded into a more serious expression. Moments that felt like hours passed and his hands were still holding onto Cloud’s. _I need to do something. I need to stop this._ Cloud thought desperately. But his body wouldn’t move, even when one of Zack’s hands moved to his cheek and stroked it oh so tenderly, in the way that Cloud had dreamt about dozens of time. 

“Cloud…” Zack murmured, his eyes searching Cloud’s face nervously. He leaned closer again and Cloud could feel his breath against his face.

“Z…Za—” Cloud’s voice barely came out as a whisper before Zack surged forward, interrupting whatever it was Cloud was trying to say as he pressed his lips against his.

Cloud stiffened immediately and, upon feeling Cloud’s reaction, Zack drew back like he had been electrocuted and stared down at him, wide-eyed. 

“Oh shit, shit! I’m sorry!” Zack blurted out and jumped up from the bench away from Cloud. Cloud felt his face heat up in embarrassment, in shock and then, finally, in anger. 

He was…sorry? **Sorry**?

“I’m really— I’m sorry!” Zack suddenly bowed his head, spinning on his heel and sprinting away into the cold January night, leaving Cloud sitting on the bench alone. 

***

Kunsel nearly jumped out his chair as Zack barreled into their dorm, throwing himself onto his bed and pulling his pillow over his head. Before he could ask what was wrong, Zack let out an anguished cry. “God damn it, God **damn** it! I screwed up, I screwed up, I screwed up!!” He moaned. “It’s over, Kunsel, I might as well just throw myself in front of the next bus!”

“Calm down, Zack, for God’s sake! What the hell happened!?” Kunsel was trying and failing not to match Zack’s panicked energy¬¬. “You just came in here freaking out and throwing yourself around the room like somebody just died. Just…Just can you at least tell me what happened?!”

“I can’t, I can’t…” He groaned, rolling back and forth. “I can’t believe I did that and then just— Gaaaah!” He threw his pillow across the room, nearly hitting Kunsel in the process. “What the hell was I even **thinking** doing that?! I just— I kissed him all out of the blue like that and then just completely screwed everything up more!”

Kunsel stared at him in shock. “Wait, hold up a second here…You **kissed** him? You actually did it? I mean, that’s a good thing, isn’t it? Unless he hit you or something like that…”

“No, no it was even worse! He just…he looked so pissed off after I kissed him that I just completely panicked and…”

“…You didn’t just **leave** after doing that, did you?” Kunsel narrowed his eyes. “Please don’t say you did that.”

Zack simply groaned in response and covered his head up with the blankets. “…You **did**?!” Kunsel exclaimed. “Zack, come on!”

“I know, I know!” Zack’s muffled voice came pathetically from underneath the blankets. “And by the time I turned around to try and find him again he was gone and he won’t answer my calls...” Zack sat up, pulling the blanket from his head. “What am I gonna do, Kunsel…?” He sighed, bowing his head. “I don’t blame him for being pissed off but…”

“Hey…” Taken aback by how pathetic his friend appeared, Kunsel moved to sit next to him. “Don’t worry. Even if he is angry about it, I’m sure you’ll have a chance to clear it up with him in person tomorrow, right? Then you can…I dunno, actually make sure he knows what your intentions are and everything, instead of springing a kiss on him.” He gave his friend’s shoulder an encouraging pat. “Okay?”

Zack looked over at Kunsel and gave his best attempt at a half smile. “…Yeah. Okay.”

Zack could barely concentrate in class the next day. He had woken up feeling terrible, like his head had been slammed into a concrete wall over and over. He considered skipping class all day but, realizing that the day was going to go by a lot slower if he was just wallowing in bed, decided to at show up physically (even if he wasn’t there mentally). He knew that the professor of his last class of the day had noticed how often he was looking at the clock, tapping his feet impatiently as he did. But he couldn’t really force himself to really care and managed to grab his bag and sprint out just as the clock hit the 50 minute mark, all the while knowing that he would probably be yelled about it tomorrow.

He had to talk to Cloud. He had to fix it. The feeling of Cloud stiffening underneath him and the look of anger and shock on the other’s face had been haunting him all night and day to the point where he felt a wave of nervous nausea hit him as he reached the all too familiar library door. He hesitated for just a moment before walking inside, both relieved and terrified to see Cloud sitting at his usual desk, busily typing on his computer.

_Guess he hasn’t had any issues concentrating at work._ Zack frowned slightly. _I guess it was just me that was thinking about it._

But the fact that Cloud didn’t even look up as he approached was making the dread in him worsen. After a moment he coughed nervously, feeling himself suddenly want to sink into the ground as Cloud’s emotionless blue eyes met his. “Hey…Cloud.” He faltered under Cloud’s gaze, which only seemed to harden in response to his words.

After a few seconds of tense silence, Cloud looked back at his computer. “Just what do you want, Fair.” Zack tensed at the way Cloud put emphasis on his last name, as if he was trying to use it like a weapon against him. 

“I-..I just wanted to talk about--…about…” He trailed off nervously, watching the tension rise in Cloud’s shoulders.

“About **last night**?” Zack jumped as Cloud suddenly stood up, slamming his hands onto the desk as he did. His cold expression that he had been wearing as a mask quickly crumbled under the force of the anger that was raging behind his eyes. Though that too was quickly starting to give way to a more hurt and vulnerable expression. “Well, I’m sure you do. I’m sure you and your jock friends had a great time laughing about what an idiot you made me out to be. Isn’t that right?”

“W-What!?” Zack sputtered. “That’s not…”

“I’m sure it was hilarious, wasn’t it? Making me fall for you? When there isn’t a reason in the world why someone so popular and famous on campus would want to have anything to do with someone like me…” Cloud inhaled sharply, trying and failing to force his body to stop trembling. “Right?!”

“What? No! What the hell are you even talking about, Cloud?!”

By now, everyone within earshot was staring at them but Cloud didn’t seem to care as he continued on. “Well you can go laugh all you want now. See if I care.” He stepped away from his computer chair, violently shoving it towards his desk as he did. “Just stay the hell away from me or else you’re banned for life, Fair.”

Cloud stormed into his office, slamming the door behind him as he disappeared into it and leaving a very stunned Zack in his wake. When Zack finally seemed to notice that he was being stared at he was greeted with a scattering of awkward coughing before the students looked back at their books. They all were too embarrassed by or felt too sorry for the now devastated looking college student standing alone in the middle of the library.

***

“…Come on Zack. I can’t look at you like this anymore.”

“…”

“It’s been a whole week, Zack…You have to do something besides just stay in your room all weekend!”

“If you don’t wanna look then go somewhere else.” Zack replied listlessly, not turning his gaze away from the ceiling. “It’s not like I’m making you stay in here.”

Kunsel sighed, turning in his desk chair so that he could fully face him. “And what, leave you to wallow in your own misery? Damn, man, it’s so bad that everyone at practice can tell, you know? Hell, it’s nearly impossible to miss that gloomy cloud of energy you’re giving off” Kunsel frowned worriedly. “I can understand being down in the dumps after getting rejected but…this is something else.” He said with a shake of his head, his expression a mixture of anger and concern. “That guy wasn’t even worth it! I mean, he completely overreacted if you ask me. You even bring him soup when he’s sick and now look! He’s got you feeling more miserable than I’ve ever seen you.”

Zack shifted his forearm over his eyes. “…You wouldn’t get it.” He mumbled.

Kunsel let out a frustrated groan before pulling out his backpack. “You know what? Just…Just go out and get hot chocolate or coffee or something, okay? I know it’s gray outside but just getting outside in some fresh air is gonna do you some good. Here—” He practically shoved a wad of dollar bills into Zack’s hand. “I’ve gotta go meet my group so we can finish our Physics lab report or else I’d join you. But seriously Zack. Get outside.” 

Not able to argue against the finality of Kunsel’s tone, Zack finally pulled himself out of bed and practically slid across the floor to grab his coat and head outside. He knew that Kunsel was right, that staying inside wasn’t helping anything but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

Why had Cloud reacted that way? Why was he so sure that he had been making fun of him? And was it really over? Not just the possibility of being together being gone, but all friendship and contact being cut off…It was enough to make Zack want to crawl back into a hole and never emerge again.

“I don’t get it…” Zack groaned miserably, resting his head against the coffee shop table. “I don’t get it, Cloud…”

“Zack?”

Raising his head at the familiar female voice, Zack’s eyes widened slightly when he saw Tifa staring down at him, coffee in hand. “Are you okay?” She questioned, eyeing him with concern.

“T-Tifa! H-…Hey…!” Zack sat up, trying and failing to act as casual as possible. “It’s been a while!”

She nodded slightly though there was still a concerned look in her eyes. “It has…How have you been?” She paused thoughtfully. “You don’t look like you’ve been sleeping well. Did you catch Cloud’s cold?”

Just the mention of Cloud was enough to make Zack flinch slightly and even as he covered it up with a weak grin he knew that Tifa had noticed. “Ah…no. I didn’t.”

Tifa paused. “…Zack—” She hesitated again, obviously unsure of how to follow up with what she really wanted to ask. “Did something…” She trailed off.

Zack tilted his head slightly. “Did something…?”

Sighing, Tifa finally took a seat across from him. “Did something happen between you and Cloud?”

Zack could feel the color drain out of his face. “I…” He looked away with a frown. “…Why?”

“Because he’s been coming straight to the bar every night this week and just…sits there. He won’t tell me what’s wrong and he keeps saying he’s fine whenever I ask, but I can tell.” She frowned. “I **know** something happened. It’s normal for him to have a drink or two, especially after work, and he’s not the most talkative person in the world… but he just keeps drinking like he’s trying to block something out, like he’s trying to forget. And you have the exact same expression that he’s had…”

Zack looked back at her, eyes widening slightly. “He’s really acting like that?”

She nodded. “I’ve never seen him looking so miserable.” She paused, glancing at her coffee before looking at Zack with a more determined expression. “That’s why I’m asking. Did something happen between you two?”

“I…” Zack faltered. This time it was his turn to look down. “…He’s the one that basically told me to go stick it where the sun don’t shine so I don’t know why he’s the one acting like somebody rejected **him** ” He mumbled bitterly.

Tifa’s eyes widened slightly. “Rejected?” She leaned in further, causing Zack to lean back in surprise. “What happened, Zack?”

Despite his depression around the whole situation, Tifa’s piercing gaze somehow forced the entire story out of him: The kiss, the way he ran away and then Cloud’s confrontation with him in the library. Tifa’s frown deepened as Zack continued on and soon she was sitting back in her chair, a thoughtful expression on her face.

“…I see. That must be why…”

Zack looked to the side. “Glad to see you seem to understand everything cuz I sure as hell don’t. I know that I screwed up but I figured if I at least apologized, then we could at least be **friends**. But then he started going on about how I was laughing at him and I had no idea where the hell that even came from.”

Tifa shook her head. “It’s not just what happened, Zack. Cloud…” She glanced downward. “…Cloud’s been hurt before. Not just while I’ve known him. But even before that…There’s something that happened when he was in high school that I think is still hurting him.” Her eyes met his, hesitantly. “He told me about it once after we had both finished our first year. We had both been drinking and…” She paused, seeing that Zack was now staring at her with rapt attention. 

The incident during high school, Cloud’s loneliness and the rejection throughout college: Zack heard it all. Tifa fiddled nervously with the corner of her coffee cup as she finished as Zack had been shocked into silence.

“I’m only telling you this because I know that you care about him, Zack. And I can tell that he cares about you too, so…give him a little bit of time first.”

Zack looked down, a frown tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Time? How much time…?”

“A few days will be a good start but…even then, Zack. Please be patient. I know it’s hard but don’t push too hard.”

“I’m…kinda bad at the whole patience thing.”

“I can tell.” She smiled, reaching over to gently pat Zack’s arm. “But you can do it, I’m sure.”

***

It had felt good, at first: yelling at Zack, getting all of his anger out and then storming away after he had said his peace. But after an hour of sitting alone in his office, trying and failing to focus on his work, Cloud began to wonder if he had made a mistake. 

Zack had looked so shocked, so crestfallen that Cloud’s heart began to hurt every time he thought about it. And he was thinking about it…a **lot** , despite knowing that all the thinking in the world wasn’t going to take back what happened, or what he said. He was only able to be grateful for the fact that, after his episode with Zack in the library, students made even more effort to avoid getting in his way. This was good for his already strained patience but it also had the nasty side effect of leaving him alone with his own thoughts.

And they kept turning to how much he was missing Zack; how much he missed seeing his cheerful face show up in the middle of his work day and how much he missed getting a text with a stupid joke or comment about something a professor had said during class. 

_This is stupid. I should be used to this._ He kept thinking to himself; kept thinking that he had been fine before Zack waltzed into his book cart on that fall afternoon so he should be fine now.

But he wasn’t. 

And the more he thought about it, the more he realized how he had jumped to conclusions. Had Zack really been malicious? Was it really the same as it had been back then, back in high school? Soon a week had passed and Cloud knew that he couldn’t deny the truth any longer.

_It wasn’t. It wasn’t the same_ As much as he would like to think that Zack was just another stupid jock, he knew that the shocked and hurt expression on his face had been real and that he had been hurt by Cloud’s words.

_He was probably just experimenting to see what it would be like to kiss a guy. Just something harmless, something stupid…Something that he got freaked out about and was trying to apologize for afterwards. I’m the one that took it too seriously. I’m the one who overreacted…_ Cloud thought as he stood in the stacks alone, staring at the book in his hand that he had meant to put back over ten minutes ago.

_But what do I do about it? Go and apologize…?_ Cloud frowned to himself. _Why would he even want to talk to me after I acted like that?_ He reached up to finally put the book back, grunting in frustration as he realized he forgot his ladder and the bookshelf was just out of reach.

Just as he was about to turn around and take the long walk back to his desk a familiar warm presence against his back stopped him. He felt his heart stop as Zack’s scent surrounded him and his callused, gentle hand was suddenly against his own, helping him push the book up to its’ proper spot. 

“Heh, thought you could use some help there.” Cloud slowly turned around, taking in the face that he had missed so much, which was now staring at him with a small smile, both submissive and questioning at the same time. Without words, Cloud could tell that if he told Zack to leave that he would without an argument. That’s what made him so terrified to say anything in response; that if he moved too quickly or seemed if he was losing patience that Zack would suddenly be gone forever. 

“I—…” Zack took a step back, giving Cloud the space that he didn’t ask for. “This probably isn’t the best place to have a conversation, huh?” He rubbed the back of his neck, his smile taking on more of a nervous tone. “Would you be okay with meeting me outside? Just to talk…” He added quickly. “Only if you want to. Just for a few minutes.”

Cloud couldn’t stare into his eyes any longer. He had missed him so, so much and he was scared that Zack would be able to see it on his face or would be able to hear the desperation in his voice if he said anything. So he simply nodded and muttered “Ten minutes” before turning and disappearing.

_Don’t get your hopes up. He’s a nice guy, he probably just doesn’t want to end things on bad terms. That’s all it is._ Cloud told himself as he slipped on his coat, hands shaking as he tried and failed to zip it up. _That’s all._

Zack was waiting outside the library, just as promised. He gave a raised hand and a smile in greeting before beginning to walk. He briefly paused to make sure that Cloud was following next to him before continuing further, a gesture that made Cloud quickly look away before they could make any extended eye contact. 

Surprisingly, Zack was quiet for the first minute or so of walking. Cloud began to get more and more tense as time went on, wondering if Zack was expecting him to say something first. Before he could start his apology Zack suddenly let out a sigh that made him jump. 

“Man, it’s cold…”

Cloud was dumbfounded _You’re the one that wanted to talk outside!_ He thought in exasperation.

“Heh, though I guess I am the one that wanted to come out here.” He let out a small laugh as he looked at Cloud, their eyes finally meeting. “Anyway. I wanted to let you know…” He stopped walking, causing Cloud to stop a foot or so behind him. 

It was so bitterly cold and depressing outside Cloud wasn’t surprised that they were the only two people out on the quad. But even if they hadn’t been, Cloud knew that he wouldn’t be able to focus on anything besides the boy in front of him. 

“I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry.” He looked ahead and Cloud lost the ability to see most of his expression. His body was at war with itself; part of him wanting to stand closer to Zack so that he could see what kind of face he was making while the other part felt too terrified to move. 

“At first I didn’t get why you thought I was making fun of you or lying to you or something like that but…now I get it. Tifa told me what happened with you and that guy when you were in high school.” Zack put an emphasis on the word ‘guy’ that showed he meant to say ‘asshole’ instead but resisted. “But anyway…I get it now. And I’m sorry.”

Cloud could barely breathe. He wanted to be angry that Tifa had told Zack something he had never shared outside of their drunken post-finals celebration but he couldn’t muster up the mental energy in his whirlwind of thoughts. 

“…But…” Zack finally glanced back at him, his smile fading slightly and replaced by a more determined, serious expression. “What I’m sorry for is the making you feel bad part, for making you feel like I wasn’t being serious or that I was making fun of you and making you upset. I’m…not sorry for kissing you.” 

Cloud could just barely register how hard his nails were digging into his palms as he was hit by the realization of what Zack’s words meant. He felt as if he was on the edge of a cliff, seconds away from taking a terrifying first step that he wouldn’t be able to come back from.

Zack began to become embarrassed under Cloud’s heavy silence and glanced away, rubbing the back of his neck as he did. “But…yeah. I think it’s pretty obvious but I’ve really missed you this past week. I don’t wanna lose what we had before, Cloud and I don’t wanna lose **you**.” He smiled, hesitant but sweet. “If you wanna be just friends then I’m more than fine with that, so—”

“…No.”

Zack tensed “…No? I…you don’t wanna be friends?”

Cloud couldn’t think on it anymore. Feeling his heart leap into his throat, he took that final step off the cliff and rushed at Zack, wrapping his arms around him and practically collapsing against his back. “I don’t want to be **just friends** Zack.” He took a shaky breath, feeling as if he was about to fall apart at the seams. “I just—” His arms held fast around Zack’s waist, holding onto him like a lifeline as his voice became smaller. “I just want this to be real.” 

Cloud felt his heart sink as he felt Zack pull away but this was quickly remedied as Zack wrapped his arms around him and pulled him into a tight embrace. “Cloud…” Zack breathed and Cloud closed his eyes as he was able to listen to Zack’s heartbeat, beating as fast and frantically as his own. 

“Of course it’s real Cloud. Of course it is...” He whispered, moving one hand to thread his fingers through the spikes of Cloud’s hair. “I’ll remind you every day if I have to.” Zack pulled away slightly to look down at Cloud, searching the other’s expressions. “Can I…”

Cloud tilted his head slightly, looking at him questioningly and Zack finally blurted out “Can I k-kiss you again? For real this time? I promised I won’t freak out or run away…” He looked so serious and nervous at the same time that Cloud couldn’t help but smile, taking time to admire just how cute Zack looked as he stared at him so earnestly.

“…Go ahead.”

Cloud was no stranger to kissing. Lonely nights that lead to brief meetings that lead to a lover come and gone by sunrise had given him plenty of experience in that regard. But all the sophisticated and heated kisses of those nights could never hope to compare to the soft and nervous one Zack gave on that gloomy winter afternoon.

After all, it was real.


End file.
